She finds solace for the pain of betrayal by saying she deserves it. She was the betrayer in her past and has been trying to pay retribution since. Either by being the best she can be or by taking the abuse, she’s been waiting for that magic moment when the scales tip in her favor and her payments are over.
She’s watching her life fall apart and the way she gets through it is by telling herself that this will be it. She’ll be free from her sins now. She says all the right things, nothing but words that sound like hope and smiles that she wants to look like peace.
When bad things happen to you, it’s not payback for your sins. You don’t get to claim someone else’s bad choices as retribution for yours. Bad things happen because bad things happen. Your pain doesn’t set the world right and it doesn’t balance out the pain you caused. Only grace can give you a new start, not your ability to take the pain. You have a right to grace because Jesus says you do, not because you earned it.
When you deny yourself the right to hurt, you’re losing a part of yourself. Maybe you had it coming, but only in a world governed by tit-for-tat. What you have done in the past can’t be undone. Trying to put a cap on the pain is only chaining it to your ankles like a weight when you’re drowning in the sea.
It’s not weakness to cry. It’s not weakness to ask for help.
Don’t prolong the effects of the past by denying the power it has to bring you to your knees. You can’t do this by yourself and nobody expects you to. You’re a human being and we’re made to need a Savior. We need Someone to come in and take over. It’s okay to break and I know Someone who can rebuild you stronger and better.
I’m not afraid when you walk at my side.
Your trusty shepherd’s crook makes me feel secure.
…You revive my drooping head; my cup brims with blessing.
Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life.
I’m back home in the house of God for the rest of my life.-Psalm 23:4-6 MSG