Something is stirring her awake. A sense of dread. A heavy, hopeless fear pressing in on her. Before her eyes are open she can hear their accusations again. Her spirit is held hostage and her abductors are torturing her. The voices are recognizable, but the inhuman depth of hate is something she’s never known. It’s as though they are reaching far past her and into some unknown depth of eternity with all of the fury of hate. This is other worldly. They’re not attacking her physically. A physical pain would be a welcome break. They’re trying to destroy her internally, spiritually. Eternally.
They’re listing her sins. They’re reciting her selfish internal thoughts. The weight of her mistakes splinters her bones. Her excuses give them more ammunition. More territory.
She’s writhing. She’s not like what they’re saying. She’s not that bad, she just made a mistake. Why won’t someone save her?
With the turning of the tide, comes the call of death to pride. And through the waters glide, no more will I hide.
Do what you will, My Father. My cry. Under your wings I commit my spirit, so by your grace I may fly.
If she isn’t that bad, then she will always be in that place of talking her way out of the accusations as though there were an excuse big enough to save her.
What if she were to stop dog-paddling? If she let herself sink in the sea of her mistakes and offered no fight against her accusers. If she pleads guilty, then the accusations can’t hurt her anymore.
The way out is to stop fighting for yourself. You’ll never catch up to the rumors. You’ll never be able to clear your name. Excuses can only get you in to sin, but they can never get you out. Abandon yourself. It’s the only way to find that God will never abandon you. You find Him when you’re broken. His strength in your weakness. The eternal embrace at the end of you.
Entering into death-to-self by admitting guilt and letting the punishment commence is met with a decree signed by God that the punishment has been paid and the sin has been wiped clean. The only way you can know that kind of freedom is to stop dog paddling. Have faith that after the death-to-self comes the resurrection. You may never recover your good name from your old life, but if you’re dead to it you won’t know and if you do then you won’t care.
If we get included in Christ’s sin-conquering death, we also get included in his life-saving resurrection. We know that when Jesus was raised from the dead it was a signal of the end of death-as-the-end. Never again will death have the last word. When Jesus died, he took sin down with him, but alive he brings God down to us. From now on, think of it this way: Sin speaks a dead language that means nothing to you; God speaks your mother tongue, and you hang on every word. You are dead to sin and alive to God. That’s what Jesus did. -Romans 6:6-11