You cast your lot and you’re waiting for the engine to roar to life. Your bags are packed, belongings sold, windows boarded.
But, the wet from your goodbye kiss has already dried. Your stomach is growling, your new boots are pinching your toes and the clock keeps reminding you that he’s there. There was no band to greet you and there are no familiar faces waiting to guide you.
You knew doubt would be part of your journey, but the onset is like a blanket of fear that covers the brochures you tattered while you daydreamed in your bed.
When is it okay to get angry? Can you step out of Keeping It Together and scream at nothing? It’s all falling apart and maybe it’s supposed to, but it still hurts like hell.
‘Take heart,’ He says. ‘Don’t quit.’
But you have nothing to hang on to. You have nothing to let go. You have given up everything for a promise and the promise is a breath in your ear rather than substance in your hands.
They’re all watching. Those who heard the lilt in your voice and watching you carry your estate to your front yard. They tried to give you an out, but you refused. You knew your Hope would not let you down. But, oh, how if feels like He’s letting you down. Letting you drown. Forgetting the command to pick up your cross and follow Him.
Warm me, your servant, with a smile; save me because you love me. Don’t embarrass me by not showing up. -Psalm 31:16-17
‘Take heart’, He says. But you rant and cry. You cramp and quake until your whole body aches. You drink to numb, but still wake up alone.
Sometimes I ask God, my rock-solid God, “Why did you let me down? Why am I walking around in tears, harassed by enemies?” They’re out for the kill, these tormentors with their obscenities, Taunting day after day, “Where is this God of yours?” -Psalm 42:9-10
‘I have nothing to hold on to!’ I have nothing to hold on to. The cries of the one who found out Who was sovereign and Who can do as He pleases when He pleases whether or not it pleases me. ‘I have nothing to hold on to’ are the screams of ‘self’ that is giving it’s last effort to find something within existence to give her hope other than to simply hope in the One who says we can put our hope in Him.
Be brave. Be strong. Don’t give up. Expect God to get here soon. -Psalm 31:24
I am not brave, Father, and I am not strong. I’m just a girl who wants you to show up. I listen day and night for the sounds of the drummer in the distance announcing the arrival of the One who will turn valley’s into mountain tops and groaning into laughter.
And so we wait. When you have no voice left to scream and no tears left to cry, when you don’t care about getting and you just wait for sleep to come while you breath in and then breath out. The quiet is comfort the shivering has subsided. The ‘self’ has succumbed as the lamb lies on a bed of grass under the stars.
Morning is peering through your dreams and creation wells up as if to speak.
What’s God going to say to my questions? I’m braced for the worst. I’ll climb to the lookout tower and scan the horizon. I’ll wait to see what God says, how he’ll answer my complaint.
And then God answered: “Write this. Write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run. This vision-message is a witness pointing to what’s coming. It aches for the coming—it can hardly wait! And it doesn’t lie. If it seems slow in coming, wait. It’s on its way. It will come right on time. -Habakkuk 2:1-3