Posted: September 12th, 2011 |
Filed under:life | Tags:purpose |
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Jesus was teaching a large group of people, people who claimed to be His followers, and He was telling them who He was. This was after He fed all 5000 of them with a child’s five loaves of bread and two fish. This was after He walked on water to get to His friends who were out in a boat. The crowd followed. They knew He could heal the sick, feed the hungry, and raise the dead. They wanted a piece of what He could offer, but the fact that they didn’t want Him was evident when He started teaching the hard truths.
He told them that He knew they were not after who He was, they just wanted what He could do. He called their intention out and exposed them. Instead of accepting the challenge and trying to get deeper, they questioned Him.
“What must we be doing to get in on the works of God?” they asked.
“Believe in the One He sent.” he answered.
It’s so simple, but it wasn’t enough.
“Do something to make us believe.” Dance monkey.
They mentioned that even Moses fed the people with manna and Jesus told them that it wasn’t Moses, it was God. And that God was pouring out the Bread of Life, the kind that won’t spoil, right in front of them.
They wanted that bread.
“Sir,” they called Him, “give us this bread always.”
“I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger and whoever believes in me shall not thirst.”
He told them who He was, that He was who they were looking for. But, they wanted something else. They knew Him, and He was too normal. They knew who His parents were. They reduced him to being a nobody, at best, and practically cannibalistic, at worst.
“Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him.” He said.
They walked away, completely dismissing Him.
Jesus was one of us. He had feelings. He was doing what He knew He was supposed to do and He probably even knew how amazing, to some, and crazy, to most, it sounded. He spoke and they scoffed and He watched them walk away. He was telling the truth and nobody listened because He didn’t tell them what they either expected or wanted to hear.
Later, He was in His home town and there was a big party going on. Everybody went to it, but Jesus didn’t want to go. I wouldn’t either. I can only imagine that He wanted to avoid more rejection a bit longer and just be who He was.
But His brothers wouldn’t leave him alone. You can hear the sarcasm in their words.
“Leave here and go to Judea, that your disciples also may see the works you are doing. For no one works in secret if he seeks to be known openly. If you do these things, show yourself to the world.”
His own brothers didn’t believe in Him.
They shared the same mom, they heard the same stories, but they still didn’t believe.
Jesus knew He was hated and He knew that people wouldn’t believe Him or in Him. He knew He would be betrayed and who, in His faithful inner circle, would betray Him. He knew He would be killed for the things He was saying. He knew it, but He still pushed forward. It’s why He came in the first place.
I, in my own very small way, can identify with the rejection that Jesus felt. Anyone who teaches about Him, and everything the Gospel stands for, goes through it, too. That’s awesome if you’re popular and you have a lot of people who affirm and approve of you. At the same time, you must know, the minute you start teaching what Jesus taught: freedom, grace, love… you’ll feel the rejection, too. People want you to make them feel good about all they do. If you take that away from them and count it as ‘clanging cymbals’ (1 Cor. 13:1) they’ll turn on you.
Everybody is looking for their edge, for a way to stand out and rise to the top. The best way, even in the religious world, to do that is to be better than everybody else. Remove the pedestal and they’ll curse you as they find their footing among the ‘least of them’.
Jesus IS the ‘least of them’. I wish everybody could see that.
Jesus knew it wasn’t His time to die, so He stayed back and let the predestined plan unfold.
Everything has it’s time.
Later, Jesus did end up going to the party. He stayed quiet for a while, but then began teaching in the temple. He says something that didn’t make sense to whom He spoke, but it does to us right now.
He said, “Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ’Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’”
People still bickered about His authenticity. Those who believed kept quite out of fear of what the others would think. But we, now, know that He is who He said He was. We believe, and as a result, ‘rivers of living water’ flow from our hearts.
It doesn’t mean we’ll be liked or popular or that anyone, that we know about, will listen, but it’s still true. If you believe in Him, (and you, who do, know what I mean), then let it flow. When it hurts to be hated, consider yourselves in good company.
When Jesus felt hated, He still pushed through.
Besides, I really think we are protected from how much what flows from us really helps people. We’re protected from the slavery of pride. Don’t pay attention to who is coming and who is leaving. It’s just the inevitable balance to keep you level. Don’t focus on all the reasons why the vision He gave you is impossible. It’s always going to look impossible. Just tell the Truth and walk through all the details.
Posted: August 29th, 2011 |
Filed under:life | Tags:grace, purpose |
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I have Tom Petty in my ears and ideas behind my eyes. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the vision that has been in my head for the last few years. I’m standing in front of a group of people who are there to hear me say something and I’m looking through all of the faces to find mine.
I remember sitting by myself at a Women’s Conference several years ago. It was my mom’s church group and the women in her church looked forward to this conference every year. It wasn’t my kind of thing at all, but I was cracked open by my own sin and the magnitude of my own wounds was eating me alive. She was so excited to have me with her. Like a mother lioness, she let me hide in her shadow while I was too wounded and scared to be out in the jungle where I belonged.
I sat in the chair and silently begged God to find me. I looked for Him in the worship. I listened for Him in the speaker. I closed my eyes and tried to feel Him. But He was nowhere near me. I watched women cry happy tears with each other. I watched them go through the appropriate moves of Christian gatherings like I was watching an off-Broadway play I had seen million times. The sounds were hollow as they echoed through the deep cave of my despair.
I was a spectator wondering what it was that made them think they felt God when I could not feel Him at all. A woman tried to come pray with me (because that’s part of the closing of the service), but I was so consumed with pain, emptiness, and confusion that I couldn’t stomach someone saying my name to a Holy God. My name was a curse word and I knew it.
I was an unworthy impostor. My lip gloss and mascara were deceptive. You can put jewelry and heels on a pig, but she’s still a pig. My chest aches with the memory.
When it was over, I walked close enough to my mother to smell her as we made our way back to our cottage. A woman stopped me and told me that I looked familiar. I get that a lot and she wasn’t familiar to me, so I tried to dismiss her. She pressed for my name and when I told her, she backed away and said, “Oh, I’m sorry.” As she turned away, I asked her what her name was. When she told me, I felt like I had been slapped. She did know who I was. More importantly, she knew what I had done and she was sorry she asked.
I went back to my cabin, trying to hold back the stinging tears, and crawled in my bed to disappear.
God found me over the few years that followed and He carried me close to His chest until I could walk again. He taught me about His grace, His gift, and He let me in on some of His most illusive mysteries. Providence makes everything make sense.
Since then, every time I put my words out there in the space of life, I tell myself that I, (the me back then), will find them. Every time I stand up to speak, I’m speaking so that I, (the me back then), can hear it. That’s why I look for me when I’m scanning the faces. I’m drawn to the dark spaces where hearts are isolated in the reality of seeing their worst and the hopelessness that comes with knowing.
I have found that it is the bystanders of the crashes that want to help, but don’t know how. They see their friend trapped in wreckage and are on the hunt for someone with the jaws of life to free them from the steel lies that are twisted around them. The twisted steel of reality without God, trapping them like a beautiful captured prize of a horrible spirit cannibal. That’s how many people find my words. Someone sent my letters to them.
I kept waiting for something to come up. Waiting for an available slot on an agenda formed to dismantle the dam of unbelief to let loose the flood of grace. Waiting for someone bigger than me to put a grace event together and invite me to take part. In all of the waiting, it occurred to me that if I have a vision, then maybe it is because I am the one who needs to assemble the agenda.
And so it begins. I am planning a conference called, “Sifted As Wheat”. I plan to hold it in the Spring of 2013. I’ve left room for plans and for some kind of miraculous coming together of ideas and met needs to make this possible. I don’t know how small or big it will be, but I know that every part of me soars at the thought of people coming together to learn how to accept and give grace. I want sessions to geared around navigating the aftermath of sin. Truth gives hope, it sets people free. The need is overwhelming. I’ll be working out all of the details and keep you posted on the new facebook page for the conference. Please connect with me there to show your support and to keep up on the progress. I can always use your encouragement, your prayers, your ideas, and your stories.
Posted: August 18th, 2011 |
Filed under:life | Tags:grace, purpose |
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Here is a note from someone in a pain that I recognize. I could have written this from my own dark corner…my response is below it.
“I just received a message from a girl that I sought forgiveness from… Although she accepted my apology and said she forgave me she said that she cannot forget what I did and cannot have a relationship with me and asked me not to contact her again. I wrote her a reply back and can’t even send it to her. Why is it so hard to let it go? I want restoration and it hurts to know that she, and others that I’ve offended, do not want the same. It eats at me. I start to question my own legitimacy as a Christ follower. I know that my sin does not define me, but I feel that some still can’t move past it. It hurts. But I know that I hurt her and pain cannot be forgotten. Is it possible for those that have felt deeply betrayed to have restoration with their offenders?”
It’s hard to let go because that’s your family. For a lot of people, your church family is closer to you than your blood family. It’s a different Blood that ties you together and you’re taught that you can trust it. You’re taught that there is nothing you can do that can’t be forgiven, nothing you can do that will make you unloveable. You believed them when they said that it’s unconditional love, unending mercy, and immeasurable grace.
People within the church spend all of their time around others who are the voice of God to them. Human beings… gathered together to live out what they believe. It’s easier to speak the truth than it is to actually practice it when the situation gets real. You have to recognize the flawed humanity in those who claim to be Christians. They’re not always right. When people are in pain, they can say and do some things that cancel out everything they claim to believe. Maybe they didn’t believe it, or maybe they’re in too much pain to practice it. It’s a learning experience for them just as much as it is for you. Because you’re the one in need of grace, you’re the one who is being called to give it.
It’s easy to feel worthless when you fail to recognize that Christians can be anything but forgiving toward sinners and accepting of the failures. You’re caught in the dark, nameless space of what is said and what is done. Finding a place to dump the disillusionment and the duality of religion is excruciating. You’re too tied up in what needs to be dumped. The lies are a part of you and you’re reduced to barely a speck if you lose them.
Restoration is possible, but not evidence that you’re okay.
Recognize the difference between their voice and God’s voice. He’s the only one who knows your heart and maybe this isolation you feel has a purpose of calling you aside and letting Him be the only one that can make you feel okay. That’s not a bad thing, but it requires faith that you may not have had to tap into until now. This forces you to dig into the depth of that kind of faith. This isolation and painful rejection is a gift if what you really want is your own unbreakable assurance in God’s love for you. It removes the middle-man and makes it personal. You’re learning that other people cannot affect your ‘legitimacy as a Christ follower.’
It’s time to fight what is trying to kill your faith. There is something that is outside of you and inside of you that will not run from you. It’s the Love of God that flares up in your defense when you hear the accusations against the certainty of your eternal life. Every Christian friend, every opinionated mouth, every demon in hell can tell you that you’re ruined, but they can never drown out the still small voice that responds, “No, she’s not.”
The rejection is from people. All of hell is trying to get you to believe it, but the rejection is not from God.
Resist the temptation to discredit and demonize the people who are not strong enough to be God for you. It’s only a cheaply designed support beam in the house that is crumbling around you. Don’t let people make you feel better at the expense of another human being. The scales have been tossed out, so if you base anything on comparison, then you’re basing it on shifting sand. Another storm will come and your whole world will crash down again when the comparison doesn’t work in your favor. People who try to keep themselves above the line are just living in a tent in the middle of predator filled woods.
Jesus is your stead whether people believe that or not. Trust Him, hide behind Him, and hold on.
You’re in the middle of a process of purification. I know it’s hard to believe. Find His grace in the fact that He cares about you enough to let you go through the pain of growing. You have to feel all of it, but when you’re about to be snuffed out, He’ll find a way to let you know He’s right there. He may be quiet, but He won’t let you go. He wouldn’t let you suffer if He didn’t have a purpose or if He wasn’t certain that you would make it.
Posted: August 3rd, 2011 |
Filed under:God, life | Tags:grace, purpose |
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“Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping.” -1 Peter 5:8 MSG
I always thought that scripture was for the non-failures. This warning does no good for those who have already been pounced. But, that’s not how it works. Scripture breathes and it speaks, but it only makes sense when you use the light of the Gospel to see it. These words are meant to speak to you wherever you are. They are true no matter what you do.
You who are cowered in the corner, the directionless zombie, these words are for you, too. There is still hope. You can hear it in the scriptures. People don’t make them mean something, the Gospel does. The Gospel is “all men saved” and “no man left behind.” If you’ve fallen off your wagon, you need to hear these words.
“Keep your guard up.”-1 Peter 5:9 MSG
It’s not too late for you to keep your guard up. Hissing thoughts are attacking the cross and they’ll tell you that you’re finished. Who wins when you believe that? If you’re still alive, then there is still hope. Keep your guard up. Remember Jesus. Remember what he came to do, why he came to do it, and what his last words were. “It is finished.” That means that you are not finished. You are not exempt from the sacrifice.
You don’t get to choose your value. He chose it for you when he spread his arms. Every time he could have cried out for angelic rescue, he held his tongue because of you.
“You’re not the only ones plunged into these hard times. It’s the same with Christians all over the world.”-1 Peter 5:9 MSG
There is purpose for the pain. Something is dying in you and it is supposed to die. Think about what it is that you miss. Your good name? You have a new name. You have to let go of the old to accept the new. What better way to get you to let go of your old than to have it tarnished with your human nature? Your track record? Your track record was keeping you from relying on grace. It’s grace that saves, not your ability to always choose right. What better way to get you to rely on grace than to show you that you are unreliable? We all have to go through the process of losing ourselves to find real life. “It’s the same with Christians all over the world.” You believe something false when you don’t believe that God still wants you. This has to change and you’re in the middle of it.
“So keep a firm grip on the faith.” -1 Peter 5:9 MSG
Jesus is the center of that faith. Do you believe what he did? I know it’s hard to believe that he did it for you because you feel so unworthy, but that’s the point. You are exactly who he knew you were. You haven’t deceived him, you’ve only deceived yourself. You thought you were better than this and the truth has been the truth the whole time, you just didn’t know it. You’ve never been better than this and that is why he came. Why else would such extreme measures be taken by the God who created you? Life is a process of growing and pruning, pain and healing. He cuts you back to the basics of faith so that you don’t get caught up in yourself and lose him. You were further from him in all your sparkly goodness than you are right now in all your brokenness. The Gospel is good news to sinners. The key to salvation is belief. That’s where you are right now. You may have grown up with faith talk, but this is different. This is real. You know it’s real because the pain drowns out everything else. It’s the deathbed realization. Priorities get realigned in tragedy.
“The suffering won’t last forever.” -1 Peter 5:10 MSG
He knows you are suffering, but he’s telling you that it won’t last forever. He never said it wouldn’t hurt. The hurt burns out the false so that the only think left is truth. I’ve been there, too, and I promise you, his words are true. “The suffering won’t last forever.”
“It won’t be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious plans they are!—will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, he does.”-1 Peter 5:10-11 MSG
He has a plan and a purpose for your life. You may have messed up what you thought He had planned, but who do you think it is that you’re serving? God gets the last word concerning you and you can look at Jesus to see what He said. He gets the last word. That means that your sin doesn’t. Thank God.
When you’re going though adolescence, you tend to focus on the flaws in your parents more than the things you clung to when you were little. A kid at that age separates him or herself from the things a child would do. Like, be silly with your mom in public, or want her to tuck you in at night. There was a time you used to beg her to stay. Then she suddenly embarrassed you and you wanted her to drop you off down the street. Most of us don’t appreciate our moms until we become moms.
I was adopted when I was 10, so I was never a little kid with my mom. She started out with me feeling embarrassed.
Their religion bothered me the most. It was the source of every “no” and every time I got in trouble. It embarrassed me, so I fought to let everyone know that I wasn’t like them.
I moved out and grew up a little bit, but my life was a car with no wheels. I reached out for God and ultimately caused me to reach out to her. I was 19, unmarried and pregnant. I became a Christian and that made me feel devastated about my obvious damage. The sin was too fresh and it kept bleeding through the bandages.
As religious as my mom was, she had the best understanding of grace and God’s sovereignty of anyone I knew. However, I did not see that at the time.
She would tell me that “it was God’s plan to bring my child here. God did not make a mistake when He made me a mom. He did it on purpose.”
I would dismiss her as “just being a mom.” Of course she’s going to say that.
“You can’t turn everything around so that it benefits me.” I’d argue.
I grew up a bit more and developed my own relationship with God. I moved further and further away from not feeling pure and eventually my sin scabbed over. I made sure that everyone knew that I was not who I was. I did not believe my mom’s version of grace because it was too easy. There wasn’t a cubby for it in my religion. You had to do it the hard way.
Then I found myself so far off track that I knew I could never make it back to where I was. I turned my life upside down in a ditch that fell through.
I didn’t know where I was. I reached out to my mom because I couldn’t bear to not hear love in my Father’s voice.
She would tell me that God never asked me to punish myself. That I am allowed to look forward with hope and trust in God’s forgiveness. She told me that she believes things happen for a reason and that God has a plan.
I was angry at her. I thought she didn’t get it. That was until I remembered a different time she stood by God’s sovereignty.
Before I was adopted, my parents tried to have their own children. They wanted six kids and a farm. That’s it. My mom was 19 when she had her little girl. She named her Kassandra (Sandy) and fell deeply in love with her and deeper with her husband. Around the time they were pregnant with their little boy, Jeremiah (Jeremy), they found out that something was wrong with Sandy. She wasn’t developing properly. A few years later, they found out that something was wrong with Jeremy, too. And his was a little bit worse. Their kids had an unexplainable disease. When they were trying to figure this out, they got pregnant with their third. My mom had two kids in wheelchairs and innumerable questions. The third baby died in her third trimester. Then my mom had a hysterectomy. A few years later, Sandy died. She was eight-years-old.
This was all before she was 30. This was all my parents’ marriage knew.
When Sandy died, Jeremy started to die.
My parents have always wanted six kids. So, they registered to adopt. Not long before that, my own mother gave me up for adoption. I was nine-years-old when I watched her sign the papers. I had a little sister and two little brothers beside me.
When my parents got the first phone call from the adoption agency, they jumped at it. They didn’t care that it was a group of four siblings. Upon meeting us, it wasn’t even a question of “Do you want them?” Why do you think they drove 4 hours?
I’ll never understand what they were thinking. My two little brothers were farting and fighting like feral children, my love-starved sister would not get off their laps, and I would not let go of my foster mom.
When we moved in, their son, Jeremy, started coming back to life. He loved my little brothers’ antics and my sister doted on him like he was hers.
He was seven when we joined his family. He was sicker than Sandy, but he outlived her by six years My mom swears it’s because of us. Not long after Jeremy died, my parents adopted a one-year-old and his infant brother.
Six kids in all.
One afternoon, my mom was telling me about the pain she went through when she lost her babies. I remember asking her how it was that she could trust God even though He took her babies from her. I couldn’t understand how she could believe it was God’s plan.
She answered my questions by saying, “God knew you needed a mommy.”
She wasn’t a one-sided grace server or biased in her faith. She trusted God’s grace and sovereignty even when it meant that she had to be ripped to pieces.
God always has reason. Remember that when it looks like the end. One day you’ll look back and shake your head in amazement because you’ll really get it.
Stories of grace always leave a hole somewhere that only Jesus can explain. If you just focus on the negative, it’s hard to see that the God we all know as good to allow something that goes against what we would call perfect and good. My parents didn’t know what God had planned for them. I think that if God showed us what it would take to get us to where we want to be, we’d have a hard time following Him through it. God gave my parents their dream of six kids and a farm. He just didn’t tell them how hard it would be to get there.
In my own life, it’s my worst experiences that have brought about the things I thank God for the most. Your faith has to be challenged before it can grow. Having your faith challenged is gut wrenching.
The following picture doesn’t have much to do with my message, but it made me laugh.
Posted: July 12th, 2011 |
Filed under:God, life | Tags:grace, purpose |
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I love reading the Bible in different translations. Sometimes the older versions choose wording that is out of our culture’s vocabulary enough to bring new light to the meaning.
This particular set of scriptures has significant meaning to me because it is the only verse I dated in my Bible. I dated it the last time I read my Bible before I fell.
“Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping. Keep your guard up. You’re not the only ones plunged into these hard times. It’s the same with Christians all over the world. So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won’t last forever. It won’t be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious plans they are!—will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, he does.”-1 Peter 5:8-11
I had no idea.
In the aftermath, I was brought back to these verses when I was searching for answers about my eternal fate. It told me:
He knew.
I wasn’t alone.
“The suffering won’t last forever.”
One day I would be okay and I would be okay forever.
He’s in control.
These things are huge for someone who knows how bad they messed up. There are people who are there right now and they need hope, not condemnation. Condemnation is ripping them to pieces and you, as a believer, have to stop it. That should be the only thing you want to do. The truth about Jesus should be screaming from every pore on your body.
He knew about your sin before it happened. He understands where you are and what is happening to you in your spirit. He knows the forces against you and He hears every word they say. For whatever reason, this is important. This pain, torment, uncertainty, terror, anger, and the blood in your tears are doing something important. Remember the story of the threshing floor? Where the wheat was stripped of it’s outer shell? The seed died and was buried. He calls you ‘wheat’. You are the wheat and your outer shell is being ripped from you. You are dying in the dirt.
Why? Why would a seed need to be exposed and shoved in the dirt? What good can come from a thunderous rain that goes on and on?
New life.
That’s what this is all about. It’s a transformation and you needed to go through whatever would be the most effective for the overall purpose. It seems so cruel, but that is where the real decision comes in. Do you want Him? Do you trust Him? You have to die to fit through the Gate and He knows what will kill you. Life through death. You have to really understand doubt to understand faith.
Then, like a parent mouthing the words for their nervous little play actor, He tells you that you’re not alone. Everyone has to go through their own personal hell and the worst thing about it is that nobody can go with you. He lets this happen by using here-and-now things and circumstances. Nobody will understand you. Nobody will know what to say to you. Nobody will want to be around you. Nothing is without purpose. “It’s the same with Christians all over the world.”
Very soon, you will be able to believe it when He says that He’ll “have you put together and on your feet for good.”
Here are the same scriptures in a different translation:
“Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: Whom resist stedfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world. But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.”-1 Peter 5:8-11 KJV
Resist giving up, that’s what the “adversary” is really after. Everyone not only is going through it, but they must go through it. You have been called, with grace, to eternal life, but you must “suffer for a while”. Then, He will establish you and make you stronger. He will settle you.
“He will settle you” takes on an immeasurable significance. Like an infant crying through the night. Like girl with no roots. He will “settle you.”
Posted: June 29th, 2011 |
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I’m for the underdogs, the given up on, the undeserving, and the torn apart. I’d rather sit and drink coffee with the heathen than with the out-of-touch leaders. I’d rather further someone else than spend time furthering my cause.
Grace isn’t something you can harness and make your slave. You don’t get to bridle it, domesticate it, and ride it like it’s yours. You swim in it, like an ocean. You sleep under it, like the stars. You live in it, like a Kingdom. You breathe it, like life.
They want to pray for the couple fighting to adopt the baby and I want to pray for the forgotten father fighting for a chance to be a dad. They want to encourage the parents with the unruly teen and I want to shower the kid with acceptance. They need help prosecuting the criminal and I want to find the criminal and tell her she still has a chance.
People sacrifice one for another, but I say that the sacrifice has been made so nobody has to be lost. It’s not about taking sides, but if sides are taken, I take the side of the blamed.
“What are we to do with her?” They question. “What a shame.” There is no shame, not in His Kingdom. There is no condemnation. Have they forgotten?
In what Kingdom do you live? Look around, do you see Jesus? Can you see Him in the man flipping you off? Can you see Him in the father sitting in jail? Can you see Jesus in the girl whose beer made her lose her shoes?
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. -Matthew 5:8 ESV
What you see is what you are. “The pure in heart” can see Him.
There is no shame where there is hope. How can you know Him and not hold out hope? How can you know Him and not see Him in them? There is no condemnation where Jesus is. Where are you? Is there condemnation where you are? Jesus is with us all, do you not know where you are?
Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart… - 1 Peter 1:22 ESV
You have to know the truth to know where you are. “Sincere brotherly love”, even for the unloveable. Especially for them.
You get a pure heart from knowing the truth, the truth that leads to love and hope. You will be like Him when you can see Him. (1 John 3:2)
And everyone who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure.- 1 John 3:3 ESV
When you see them, look for Jesus and act accordingly.
Posted: June 9th, 2011 |
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Nights are the hardest, aren’t they? No distractions from the accusations. It’s worse when you think they’re coming from you. If only you could go back in time, wake up tomorrow and do it all different. Oh, but the horror of knowing you can’t.
At first it was denial. Time stopped for a second and let the shock set in.
And then, when you couldn’t deny it anymore, when life lost it’s color, you started to plead. “Please let me go back. You’re God, you can do anything. I’ve learned my lesson. Give me another chance.”
But He won’t. You wake up under a sun that shines on everyone but you. It’s still the same. You still did that. And your whole world is gathering together to mourn your loss, and talk about your secrets, and figure out life without you. You want to rip from yourself, to feel love again. You want someone to cry with you, to hold you, to feel what it is to be you.
No one will look you in the eye, though you beg for them to. “See me. See all the words I can’t find. See what is happening inside.”
Listen to me. You are mourning. Life is going to be different and you will get used to it. Every time you look for someone who is no longer there, you will be reminded like a volt of horrible shock to every part of your existence. And then you will wither at the knowledge that it’s all your fault. It’s part of it. When you feel like giving up, remind yourself that you need time to mourn the loss of who you were. It’s a process. It’s not the end.
Look up the stages of mourning. You’ll find where you are in the process. You know what may be hard to believe right now? You are dying the death that we all must die to really live. Isn’t that crazy? I’ve said this before, “They don’t call it death for dramatic flair.” It’s real, so real you doubt the hope of these words.
You are going to sprout something new from this. You’ll become what you were always supposed to become.
Listen carefully: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over.- John 12:24
You are dying. You’ve said it yourself. Try to grasp what I am saying. This is a good thing. You are going to sprout and become part of something so much bigger than you. You know, this death to you is the only way you can get into The Kingdom. Did you know that? Think of every scripture you were taught and watch them all come to life. Feel the words blossom in your heart. Let the truth set you free.
Of course it was sin that got you here. Isn’t that the way it works? You have to know your own sin to really know the Savior. And, yes, I know you knew better. We all do. It’s written on our hearts. You can’t argue your way out of grace. You’re in a court room against a Judge who wants you free. He’s already signed your release.
Grace teaches more than anything else ever could. You see His hands in it, you can hear Him speak through it. It’s His very nature that you see in grace. Don’t doubt the implications, explore them. Balance them against scripture. Keep a journal, let Him write with your hand. Explore Him in your music. He’ll teach you the words.
It’s time for you to learn something new. It’s time for life to begin.
Posted: May 27th, 2011 |
Filed under:life | Tags:grace, purpose |
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“Mom, I think Zoey went in the neighbor’s yard. I heard a dog screaming and it sounded like her.”- my 8-year-old daughter
I think she’s fine. My kids can be dramatic sometimes.
Zoey is our four-pound fur ball. She’s been a part of our family for almost five years. My five year old used to tuck her under her clumsy toddler arm and carry her everywhere. Zoey would just hang there, happy to be loved. She’s the enthusiastic greeter, the loyal couch cuddler, the equal opportunity lover.
“Mom, I climbed to look over the fence and I saw a white fluffy thing on the ground and two dogs standing over her.” -my 10-year-old daughter
I can tell when my kids are being dramatic. This isn’t one of those times. Her mind knew, but her eyes were begging me to reverse what she just saw.
“Are you serious?!” I knew she was, but maybe my eyes were begging her to reverse what she just said.
“Yes!” she wailed.
She wailed.
I screamed, “No!”. No. Because it wasn’t true. Zoey is not laying in our neighbors backyard. We don’t know him. He’s a single guy living in a rented house with two big dogs.
Zoey can catch flies with a snap of her teeth. She is a cuddler and will take turns cuddling with everyone in the house until the last person goes to bed. Then she sleeps with my ten-year-old. She’ll get up when my ten-year-old gets up and sleep with someone else until they get up. Four girls. Two adults. She’ll keep moving through the house, from bed to bed, until the last person gets up. And it’s usually me. She’s not laying on the ground in the neighbor’s backyard.
I wailed.
I pounded on the neighbor’s front door. He just moved there a couple of months ago. He could be a child molester. He could be social deviant. I pounded on the window next to the door. I pulsed the button to his doorbell until he opened it. His dogs were inside looking at me through the window.
“My dog!” I couldn’t breath. “Is in your backyard!”
Zoey was a 10th birthday present to my 15-year-old. She needed a bath.
“My dogs are inside.”- my confused neighbor
He’s older and in his pajamas. He doesn’t have very much furniture. His house looks bare and his dogs are wagging their tails.
“My dog is in your backyard!”
I wailed. I held myself up with my hand on his door frame.
Zoey used to let my five-year-old wrap her in a blanket and carry her like a baby. She would stay in the little doll bed until my five-year-old got her out.
I stood on my neighbor’s front porch waiting for him to come back from his backyard. His dogs were watching me through the window.
I couldn’t wait any longer. I ran to my backyard and climbed until I could see over the fence. I saw him standing over the white fluffy love on the ground.
Zoey.
“Is that her?!”
I knew the answer, but I wanted him to tell me I was wrong. I wanted that look in his eyes to go away.
I wailed.
My sobbing fifteen-year-old jumped the 6-foot fence. I ran around the houses to get in his yard.
“Can I come back there?” I screamed from the outside.
“Yes.”
I ran in his yard and saw her.
Zoey knew what time the school busses were supposed to get home. She would wait by the door until the girl’s opened it. She loved us so. One year, the girls were visiting family in California and were not coming home on the bus like they were supposed to. She stood by that door for an hour.
“NO!”
I was screaming.
I ran to her as though I could save her. She was laying on ground that wasn’t hers. On ground that her girls didn’t trample when they played. On ground that my husband didn’t cut for her. On ground that I never tread. She didn’t belong on that ground. I couldn’t stomach the thought of her dying on ground she didn’t know. Ground that could not cradle her with the familiar smells of love and home.
Lesson #1
When she crossed under the fence, did she know she would get in trouble? Or did she think she could check out the strange land and get back to safety? She found out she was in trouble when it was too late to turn back. Did she look, from the strange land, at her house, filled with her loves, and wish herself home? Can you wish yourself home?
You can’t wish yourself home. You can’t wish your poor decisions undone.
She needed me and I wasn’t there. I scooped her limp body into my arms and cradled her to my chest. She was still warm. Her eyes were open and gone. Was it my heart I felt beating? Was it my breath I felt against my chest?
“Zoey, I’m so sorry.”
I wailed.
“I didn’t understand what you meant. I’m so sorry.” - My distraught neighbor
I couldn’t hear him.
All I could think was: My daughter heard her screaming…
“Zoey, I’m so sorry.”
My children are crying. My heart is breaking.
I want my mom. No matter how old I get, I still want my mom when it hurts.
We drove to my parents house. We cradled her in our towel. We held her to our chests because we couldn’t let her go. We usually sing like an off-key pop version of the Von Trapp’s in the car. This time, our car was filled with the alternating silence of shock and and amplified sobs of mourning.
We made her pictures and wrote her letters and laid them in the burial box with her.
Her body grew cold. We couldn’t make her sweet eyes close. We buried her with our smells.
Lesson #2
I couldn’t stop thinking about our neighbor. He was new to our neighborhood and this was his first noticeable act.
My heart broke at the thought of him blaming himself. My heart broke at this wrench in his new beginning.
What in his life put him alone, with no belongings, in an expensive rental home? What kind of brokenness was he trying to dog-paddle? This man who goes to work in a fancy suit and a Lexus, but has no furniture, who is he?
I couldn’t stand the thought of what he was already going through, just to add to that….this. My heart ached. Like it was me.
I went to his house today…the day after.
“I just want you to know that I don’t blame you or your dogs.”
I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about the pain you might feel. The sense of responsibility for our pain that might rob your sleep.
He withered. “I couldn’t sleep last night. I couldn’t get the picture of your dog out of my head.”
I knew it.
Zoey could out-smart the girls when they ran in loops around the house to trick her. She didn’t mind always being ‘it’ in hide-and-seek.
He said, “They’ve never hurt anyone or anything before. I don’t know what happened.”
“They’re dogs.” I said.
They didn’t maul her. Just sunk their teeth into her side and shook her until her spine snapped. I didn’t understand it either.
“I know what it is to love a dog. To not think of them as dogs, but family. I can only imagine the pain in your house. I’m so sorry.” He said.
I knew he was. His whole body wilted at our forgiveness. His eyes were sad, but his manner was relieved.
What is it, sir, that this would have crushed in you? What battle are you fighting where this would have been the kill shot?
I don’t know his story, but I found out that he’s a prestigious figure in our local legal system. Maybe he’s going through a divorce where he gave his wife everything but his suit, his car, and his dogs. Maybe he is wracked from something in his life and this would have been too much.
I know that feeling. I know that when it rains, it pours. And, on my watch, I won’t let it rain on you. He needed to know his rain didn’t hurt us and our rain won’t hurt him. We’ve been there. We can’t stand by and let another drown in their own life.
I want to be a shelter that helps you find The Shelter. I want to be the soft place to land until you’re carried back home.
Oh, it hurts. It hurts so bad. But, the pain of a broken life can hurt so much worse.
Zoey would have jumped to welcome him if he ever came to our door. Zoey would have introduced him to our family and rolled over to let him rub her belly.
Sometimes we cross fences into territory we should never know. I know what that feels like. I can’t move forward knowing someone is stuck in their pain.
my 5-year-old's letter to Zoey "Stella never will see Zoey."
Posted: May 25th, 2011 |
Filed under:life | Tags:love wins, purpose |
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You have a world of possibility and choices in front of you. You see lush life and the perfect fit between what you need and what you see. All you have to do is ram the staff of your flag into the ground and claim it as yours.
But, other people want it, too. Other people need the same things you need. You can muscle your way in, assert your right to happiness, and elbow to the front of the line, but is that the way it’s supposed to be done? In a space where God asks you to let Him guide you, it’s hard to not take the reigns and fight for the best acres of life.
Abraham and Lot were traveling with their families and belongings to find a place to settle and flourish. They came to a part of land where in one direction all they could see was lush beauty and promise and the other direction looked like second best.
Then Abram said to Lot, “Let there be no strife between you and me, and between your herdsmen and my herdsmen, for we are kinsmen. Is not the whole land before you? Separate yourself from me. If you take the left hand, then I will go to the right, or if you take the right hand, then I will go to the left.”-Genesis 13:9-10 ESV
God asks us to let our lives be ruled by love because He Is Love. Love doesn’t say, “me first.” Love gives the best and takes the left overs. If you live your life this way, it removes the control from your hands and lets God lead you.
But, most of the time it makes no sense. We are instinctually inclined to be guided by survival. ‘Survival of the fittest.’ Love doesn’t make sense.
“And Lot lifted up his eyes and saw that the Jordan Valley was well watered everywhere like the garden of the LORD, like the land of Egypt, in the direction of Zoar. (This was before the LORD destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah.) So Lot chose for himself all the Jordan Valley, and Lot journeyed east.”-Genesis 13:10-11 ESV
Abraham let Lot have the first pick and Lot chose the best piece of land. Abraham bid him farewell and headed in the direction of second best. He took each step knowing that God promised Him the best and it seemed that God’s promise was growing smaller behind his back.
When you let love guide your decisions, it releases God’s control in your life. You can’t see the future of what you think you want. You can’t see that the best piece of land was settled by something that could destroy you.
The best piece of land, the piece that Lot chose, was near Sodam and Gomorrah. It looked to be the best and to hold the most promise, but only God knew what lay ahead. Abraham chose to let love guide his steps and that made it possible for God to keep him far away from destruction.
God knows what He’s doing. Sometimes it may look like He’s forgotten you or He’s pouring out your promises on someone else. But, you have to know that things are not what they seem to be. There is so much that you want to do, places you want to go, lands you want to settle, but are, for whatever reason, stalled.
It is easy to get frustrated and impatient. Just remember that if you could see everything that God sees, you would trust Him without question. But, that’s where faith comes in. Faith that He has not forgotten you and that He will keep His promises to you. He’s given you a rope to hold on to while you’re wandering and waiting. That rope is love. Hold on to it and let Him work out the details.
Abraham eventually got the lush land, but He had to wait for God to get rid of the destruction first.
The LORD said to Abram, after Lot had separated from him, “Lift up your eyes and look from the place where you are, northward and southward and eastward and westward, for all the land that you see I will give to you and to your offspring forever. I will make your offspring as the dust of the earth, so that if one can count the dust of the earth, your offspring also can be counted. Arise, walk through the length and the breadth of the land, for I will give it to you.”-Genesis 13:14-17 ESV
Trust Him. He knows what He’s doing. He hasn’t forgotten you. If you have to wait, be glad. He’s making it perfect.
