grace is

grace is forgiveness, but not just forgiveness.

grace is empowering and powerful, but it’s not just power.

grace costs everything and it’s free.

grace is freeing, but it’s not cheap.

grace is favor.

favor is

• approval
• preference
• bias
• partiality

Grace is God saying: I approve you, I prefer you, I am biased toward you, I am partial to you.

God pours His grace out because He wants you. He made an excuse for you. He set things up so that you could win.

You ask Him to forgive you and He’s an infinite number of steps ahead of you.

While sin cripples you, grace gives you the power to run without the handicap.

You have to deny your own common sense and sense of justice, thereby denying yourself, to really grasp just a hint of the complexity of grace.

When you know that you can’t lose, then you’ll play the game because you enjoy it. There is no pressure, there is no competition, there is no getting kicked out, and there is only one MVP. Jesus in on your team.

He died to keep you there. There is no way He’s letting you go. He wants you to play.

Now go get back out there.

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. -Proverbs 17:22

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dear preacher

I heard a story about a pastor who is teaching a series on Galatians. Galatians is all about grace. It’s a thin line of faith. It’s a narrow walk of trust not a narrow walk of rules. Galatians spells out, among others, a message that following a set of rules is a rejection of grace. As one man puts it (can’t remember his name) “No grace for you.” You cannot achieve, by your actions, what only Jesus and His grace can give.

This pastor is experiencing the biggest lash out of his career. People are angry about grace and worried about what that message teaches their children. “You’re making it sound like my kids can do whatever they want,” they say. But, he’s preaching scriptures, not his own thoughts. Our own thoughts want to balance grace with the law, but that only neutralizes grace and ends up being watered down to lukewarm God-spit.

If I were preaching that old message, no one would be offended if I mentioned the Cross now and then—it would be so watered-down it wouldn’t matter one way or the other. -Galatians 5:11 MSG

So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. -Revelation 3:16

Grace makes people angry. People who have invested so much of themselves to getting it right are turned off by the thought that the less moral can get in with Jesus, too. They’re angry because they’re learning that they’ve been on the wrong track this entire time. I’m thinking, then, that this pastor should have been preaching grace a lot sooner. The Gospel divides people. It divides the sheep from the wolves.

“Truly, truly, I say to you, he who does not enter the sheepfold by the door but climbs in by another way, that man is a thief and a robber. But he who enters by the door is the shepherd of the sheep. To him the gatekeeper opens. The sheep hear his voice, and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes before them, and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice. A stranger they will not follow, but they will flee from him, for they do not know the voice of strangers.” -Jesus in John 10:1-5 ESV

If you do not enter the church through Jesus and His grace, then you are a soul thief. You got in for some other reason and you are leading people astray. You do not like the implications of grace for life or for sinners. You push sinners out and try to keep your little community free from the ‘ragamuffins’.  You are a robber. You keep the gate shut and locked. You do not offer or experience freedom. You are oppressive.

If you do enter through Jesus and His grace, then you are one of His. You open Jesus, who is the gate, and leave it open. You let everyone walk around freely. You follow Jesus because you know His voice. All those who don’t follow were never His in the first place.

You know your leaders by their relationship to the Gate. Is it locked or is it open? Can people get to the cross of grace or have you put stipulations in the way? There are those who will not understand this because they do not recognize the voice of Jesus.

The Gospel divides people, like a sword. It’s the best news to the least worthy. I would rather be in company with the least worthy than the self-righteous.

To this pastor and anybody else in the same boat: Stick with it. Use your platform to call men and women to the grace of Jesus. Let the others go. If they come back, at least they know what they’re coming back to. It might be their first taste of salvation and freedom from slavery. Remember, there is such a thing as spiritual Stockholm Syndrome.

A hired hand runs when the wolf comes. This pastor is not running. He’s following the Masters voice.

“When people realize it is the living God you are presenting and not some idol that makes them feel good, they are going to turn on you, even people in your own family. There is a great irony here: proclaiming so much love, experiencing so much hate! But don’t quit. Don’t cave in. It is all well worth it in the end. It is not success you are after in such times but survival. Be survivors!” -Matthew 10:23 MSG

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word vomit

A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire. -Proverbs 15:1

I got covered in word vomit the other day. Like any upchuck episode, it came on suddenly and I couldn’t think to back away before I was left in shock and my outlook was ruined.

What do you do when someone tells you things they shouldn’t be saying? I make a point to stay out of drama. Ignorance is bliss. In all of the times I can produce words with ease, this was a time I responded with a stutter. “This is news to me. I’m in shock from you telling me.”

I wanted to be gentle, but also let the other know what just happened. They just got sick on me and I was dirtier for it.

Word vomit is contagious. The sudden outburst of emotion catches.

Knowledge flows like spring water from the wise; fools are leaky faucets, dripping nonsense. -Proverbs 15:2

The tongue reveals the fool. I’ve been that fool and I know how it feels to want to take the words back. I’ve practiced silence and it feels so much better. No pangs of regret. Time reveals the truth and I’ve learned to not fill that time with the words of nonsense. If you must speak, speak as though the situation is on the road to healing and the person with the leaky faucet just doesn’t know it yet.

It’s not, “I hope it straightens up.” It’s, “This will work out and maybe the road to healing can be helped by you?”

God doesn’t miss a thing— he’s alert to good and evil alike. -Proverbs 15:3

The tongue is the hardest thing to control. But you must control it. If you’re angry about the fire, then stop fanning the flames. A kind word… a gentle response… this is what is needed in an unstable situation. Be the stability with the “God works out all things according to his purpose” frame of mind.

Wisdom is found from the end looking back. Scrambling to be heard, to get people on your side, to taint or even just reveal the flaws of the other side is not an act of wisdom. If, in the end, you’re all on the same side, then what do your words look like then? More reasons to apologize. I’m sure we’ll all have enough apologizing to do when this life is said and done. Don’t make it messier. Life is messy as it is.

Kind words heal and help; cutting words wound and maim. -Proverbs 15:4

I backed away from the word vomit and gathered myself enough to wipe it off. I walked away with a fresh reminder that words should be few, especially when you’re angry. It doesn’t matter if what was said is true, it’s an ugly thing to witness someone get sick on their words.

Angry, backbiting words are not inspiration from God. It’s all you. Silence should be the choice when yours is the only voice you can hear.

Take a deep breath and be kind. Situations get worked out when the vomiting stops.

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learning to fly

I have Tom Petty in my ears and ideas behind my eyes. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the vision that has been in my head for the last few years. I’m standing in front of a group of people who are there to hear me say something and I’m looking through all of the faces to find mine.

I remember sitting by myself at a Women’s Conference several years ago. It was my mom’s church group and the women in her church looked forward to this conference every year. It wasn’t my kind of thing at all, but I was cracked open by my own sin and the magnitude of my own wounds was eating me alive. She was so excited to have me with her. Like a mother lioness, she let me hide in her shadow while I was too wounded and scared to be out in the jungle where I belonged.

I sat in the chair and silently begged God to find me. I looked for Him in the worship. I listened for Him in the speaker. I closed my eyes and tried to feel Him. But He was nowhere near me. I watched women cry happy tears with each other. I watched them go through the appropriate moves of Christian gatherings like I was watching an off-Broadway play I had seen million times. The sounds were hollow as they echoed through the deep cave of my despair.

I was a spectator wondering what it was that made them think they felt God when I could not feel Him at all. A woman tried to come pray with me (because that’s part of the closing of the service), but I was so consumed with pain, emptiness, and confusion that I couldn’t stomach someone saying my name to a Holy God. My name was a curse word and I knew it.

I was an unworthy impostor. My lip gloss and mascara were deceptive. You can put jewelry and heels on a pig, but she’s still a pig. My chest aches with the memory.

When it was over, I walked close enough to my mother to smell her as we made our way back to our cottage. A woman stopped me and told me that I looked familiar. I get that a lot and she wasn’t familiar to me, so I tried to dismiss her. She pressed for my name and when I told her, she backed away and said, “Oh, I’m sorry.” As she turned away, I asked her what her name was. When she told me, I felt like I had been slapped. She did know who I was. More importantly, she knew what I had done and she was sorry she asked.

I went back to my cabin, trying to hold back the stinging tears, and crawled in my bed to disappear.

God found me over the few years that followed and He carried me close to His chest until I could walk again. He taught me about His grace, His gift, and He let me in on some of His most illusive mysteries. Providence makes everything make sense.

Since then, every time I put my words out there in the space of life, I tell myself that I, (the me back then), will find them. Every time I stand up to speak, I’m speaking so that I, (the me back then), can hear it. That’s why I look for me when I’m scanning the faces. I’m drawn to the dark spaces where hearts are isolated in the reality of seeing their worst and the hopelessness that comes with knowing.

I have found that it is the bystanders of the crashes that want to help, but don’t know how. They see their friend trapped in wreckage and are on the hunt for someone with the jaws of life to free them from the steel lies that are twisted around them. The twisted steel of reality without God, trapping them like a beautiful captured prize of a horrible spirit cannibal. That’s how many people find my words. Someone sent my letters to them.

I kept waiting for something to come up. Waiting for an available slot on an agenda formed to dismantle the dam of unbelief to let loose the flood of grace. Waiting for someone bigger than me to put a grace event together and invite me to take part. In all of the waiting, it occurred to me that if I have a vision, then maybe it is because I am the one who needs to assemble the agenda.

And so it begins. I am planning a conference called, “Sifted As Wheat”. I plan to hold it in the Spring of 2013. I’ve left room for plans and for some kind of miraculous coming together of ideas and met needs to make this possible. I don’t know how small or big it will be, but I know that every part of me soars at the thought of people coming together to learn how to accept and give grace. I want sessions to geared around navigating the aftermath of sin. Truth gives hope, it sets people free. The need is overwhelming. I’ll be working out all of the details and keep you posted on the new facebook page for the conference. Please connect with me there to show your support and to keep up on the progress. I can always use your encouragement, your prayers, your ideas, and your stories.

Click here for the facebook page.

Below is a video about the vision. Let’s see what happens…

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the heart of it

“Beware of the leaven of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy.” -Jesus; Luke 12:1 ESV

The ‘leaven’ referred to here is the Old Testament way to salvation. It is corrupt doctrine. It becomes corrupt when it is mixed with the message of the Gospel in a way that perpetuates the list of rules as a requirement to receive the grace of the Gospel.

Jesus calls it ‘hypocrisy’ because it is a man-made mixture of how to live a godly life. It is a citizenship to two different kingdoms. It’s serving two different masters. It’s hypocrisy because it’s already clear that no one can follow the rules. The rules remove the heart of the purpose for them. Jesus and His grace changes the heart and the rules become peripheral.

People want to hear ways that they can make themselves more holy. They want a definitive list of things they can do so that they can say they are set apart by appearance and practice. It’s a way for them to be like God, choosing good because they know the difference.

“You will be like God, knowing good and evil.” -the serpent in Genesis 3:4 ESV

“Behold, the man has become like one of us in knowing good and evil.” -God in Genesis 3:22 ESV

People can launder their appearance with a list of perfectly good attributes and unarguably valid points. But, the heart is missing. They can be like God, choosing good to be more God-like, but there is no beat in their chest or life in their blood. Have you ever known someone to call him or herself a Christian and completely tear another apart or leave someone behind? They even give credit to their Christianity for their lack of compassion and empathy. Haven’t you wondered, “Have you no heart?”

It’s a mutilated Gospel for the one who thinks that denying the overwhelming urge to love a ‘sinner’ is the part of ‘self’ that must be denied. They actually believe they are honoring God by sacrificing their heart. Don’t you remember? The sacrifice has been made! You can love freely now!

“…use your freedom to serve one another in love; that’s how freedom grows.” -Galatians 5:13 MSG

“For everything we know about God’s Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That’s an act of true freedom. If you bite and ravage each other, watch out—in no time at all you will be annihilating each other, and where will your precious freedom be then?” -Galatians 5:15 MSG

The outside world, the ones to whom you have been commissioned to prove God’s love, wants no part of a religion that has no heart.

Rules, sacrifices, and rituals cannot get to the heart, not the heart of man or the heart of God.

Under this system, the gifts and sacrifices can’t really get to the heart of the matter, can’t assuage the conscience of the people, but are limited to matters of ritual and behavior. It’s essentially a temporary arrangement until a complete overhaul could be made. -Hebrews 9:9-10 MSG

The same passage in a different translation says this:

According to this arrangement, gifts and sacrifices are offered that cannot perfect the conscience of the worshiper, but deal only with food and drink and various washings, regulations for the body imposed until the time of reformation. -Hebrews 9:9-10 ESV

“…until the time of reformation.” Hebrews 9:10 is the only one mention I could find of “reformation” in scripture. There is only one scripture, that I could find, that tells you what it means and the intended purpose, which is the heart, of the Law. It is here:

“And if by this discipline you are not turned to me but walk contrary to me, then I also will walk contrary to you, and I myself will strike you sevenfold for your sins.” Leviticus 26:23-24 ESV (emphasis mine)

Young’s Literal Translation words my emphasized portion as “instructed by me”. If, by following the law, you are not instructed by God, then you have missed the mark. The meaning of sin is “missing the mark.” (Vines Concise Dictionary).

Jesus is the mark. The Holy Spirit instructs you, personally. Throw the laundry list out. If people want to use grace as an excuse to sin, then the Holy Spirit will twist them apart on the inside. That is what this scripture means:

“No one born of God makes a practice of sinning, for God’s seed abides in him, and he cannot keep on sinning because he has been born of God.” -1 John 3:9 ESV

The ‘seed’ is the Holy Spirit. Making “a practice of sin” is not the same thing as “committing a sin”. Those who are Christians will sin and the Holy Spirit will crush them until they cannot continue. The will of man is crushed, to breaking, under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. If you see a man who has sinned and is being crushed, it is not because the Holy Spirit has left him, it will not, it is because He overwhelmingly evident in him. You don’t have to point out the obvious. The Holy Spirit is a better lover than you are, which makes Him a better corrector than you could ever be.

You will be harassed for preaching and believing in the sovereignty of God, grace, and the authority of Love. Not by the outsiders, but by the insiders.

Be cautious with those who preach a watered down Gospel. Be on the lookout for those take up issue with “too much love” or “too heavy on grace.” Ignore their tirades and consider yourselves in good company. You can see which kingdom they’re under by which flag they choose to raise.

If I were preaching that old message, no one would be offended if I mentioned the Cross now and then—it would be so watered-down it wouldn’t matter one way or the other. -Paul; Galatians 5:11 MSG

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when you can’t go home

Here is a note from someone in a pain that I recognize. I could have written this from my own dark corner…my response is below it.

“I just received a message from a girl that I sought forgiveness from… Although she accepted my apology and said she forgave me she said that she cannot forget what I did and cannot have a relationship with me and asked me not to contact her again. I wrote her a reply back and can’t even send it to her. Why is it so hard to let it go? I want restoration and it hurts to know that she, and others that I’ve offended, do not want the same. It eats at me. I start to question my own legitimacy as a Christ follower. I know that my sin does not define me, but I feel that some still can’t move past it. It hurts. But I know that I hurt her and pain cannot be forgotten. Is it possible for those that have felt deeply betrayed to have restoration with their offenders?”

It’s hard to let go because that’s your family. For a lot of people, your church family is closer to you than your blood family. It’s a different Blood that ties you together and you’re taught that you can trust it. You’re taught that there is nothing you can do that can’t be forgiven, nothing you can do that will make you unloveable. You believed them when they said that it’s unconditional love, unending mercy, and immeasurable grace.

People within the church spend all of their time around others who are the voice of God to them. Human beings… gathered together to live out what they believe. It’s easier to speak the truth than it is to actually practice it when the situation gets real. You have to recognize the flawed humanity in those who claim to be Christians. They’re not always right. When people are in pain, they can say and do some things that cancel out everything they claim to believe. Maybe they didn’t believe it, or maybe they’re in too much pain to practice it. It’s a learning experience for them just as much as it is for you. Because you’re the one in need of grace, you’re the one who is being called to give it.

It’s easy to feel worthless when you fail to recognize that Christians can be anything but forgiving toward sinners and accepting of the failures. You’re caught in the dark, nameless space of what is said and what is done. Finding a place to dump the disillusionment and the duality of religion is excruciating. You’re too tied up in what needs to be dumped. The lies are a part of you and you’re reduced to barely a speck if you lose them.

Restoration is possible, but not evidence that you’re okay.

Recognize the difference between their voice and God’s voice. He’s the only one who knows your heart and maybe this isolation you feel has a purpose of calling you aside and letting Him be the only one that can make you feel okay. That’s not a bad thing, but it requires faith that you may not have had to tap into until now. This forces you to dig into the depth of that kind of faith. This isolation and painful rejection is a gift if what you really want is your own unbreakable assurance in God’s love for you. It removes the middle-man and makes it personal. You’re learning that other people cannot affect your ‘legitimacy as a Christ follower.’

It’s time to fight what is trying to kill your faith. There is something that is outside of you and inside of you that will not run from you. It’s the Love of God that flares up in your defense when you hear the accusations against the certainty of your eternal life. Every Christian friend, every opinionated mouth, every demon in hell can tell you that you’re ruined, but they can never drown out the still small voice that responds, “No, she’s not.”

The rejection is from people. All of hell is trying to get you to believe it, but the rejection is not from God.

Resist the temptation to discredit and demonize the people who are not strong enough to be God for you. It’s only a cheaply designed support beam in the house that is crumbling around you. Don’t let people make you feel better at the expense of another human being. The scales have been tossed out, so if you base anything on comparison, then you’re basing it on shifting sand. Another storm will come and your whole world will crash down again when the comparison doesn’t work in your favor. People who try to keep themselves above the line are just living in a tent in the middle of predator filled woods.

Jesus is your stead whether people believe that or not. Trust Him, hide behind Him, and hold on.

You’re in the middle of a process of purification. I know it’s hard to believe. Find His grace in the fact that He cares about you enough to let you go through the pain of growing. You have to feel all of it, but when you’re about to be snuffed out, He’ll find a way to let you know He’s right there. He may be quiet, but He won’t let you go. He wouldn’t let you suffer if He didn’t have a purpose or if He wasn’t certain that you would make it.

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suffering won’t last forever

“Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping.” -1 Peter 5:8 MSG

I always thought that scripture was for the non-failures. This warning does no good for those who have already been pounced. But, that’s not how it works. Scripture breathes and it speaks, but it only makes sense when you use the light of the Gospel to see it. These words are meant to speak to you wherever you are. They are true no matter what you do.

You who are cowered in the corner, the directionless zombie, these words are for you, too. There is still hope. You can hear it in the scriptures. People don’t make them mean something, the Gospel does. The Gospel is “all men saved” and “no man left behind.”  If you’ve fallen off your wagon, you need to hear these words.

“Keep your guard up.” -1 Peter 5:9 MSG

It’s not too late for you to keep your guard up. Hissing thoughts are attacking the cross and they’ll tell you that you’re finished. Who wins when you believe that? If you’re still alive, then there is still hope. Keep your guard up. Remember Jesus. Remember what he came to do, why he came to do it, and what his last words were. “It is finished.” That means that you are not finished. You are not exempt from the sacrifice.

You don’t get to choose your value. He chose it for you when he spread his arms. Every time he could have cried out for angelic rescue, he held his tongue because of you.

“You’re not the only ones plunged into these hard times. It’s the same with Christians all over the world.” -1 Peter 5:9 MSG

There is purpose for the pain. Something is dying in you and it is supposed to die. Think about what it is that you miss. Your good name? You have a new name. You have to let go of the old to accept the new. What better way to get you to let go of your old than to have it tarnished with your human nature? Your track record? Your track record was keeping you from relying on grace. It’s grace that saves, not your ability to always choose right. What better way to get you to rely on grace than to show you that you are unreliable? We all have to go through the process of losing ourselves to find real life. “It’s the same with Christians all over the world.” You believe something false when you don’t believe that God still wants you. This has to change and you’re in the middle of it.

“So keep a firm grip on the faith.” -1 Peter 5:9 MSG

Jesus is the center of that faith. Do you believe what he did? I know it’s hard to believe that he did it for you because you feel so unworthy, but that’s the point. You are exactly who he knew you were. You haven’t deceived him, you’ve only deceived yourself. You thought you were better than this and the truth has been the truth the whole time, you just didn’t know it. You’ve never been better than this and that is why he came. Why else would such extreme measures be taken by the God who created you? Life is a process of growing and pruning, pain and healing. He cuts you back to the basics of faith so that you don’t get caught up in yourself and lose him. You were further from him in all your sparkly goodness than you are right now in all your brokenness. The Gospel is good news to sinners. The key to salvation is belief. That’s where you are right now. You may have grown up with faith talk, but this is different. This is real. You know it’s real because the pain drowns out everything else. It’s the deathbed realization. Priorities get realigned in tragedy.

“The suffering won’t last forever.” -1 Peter 5:10 MSG

He knows you are suffering, but he’s telling you that it won’t last forever. He never said it wouldn’t hurt. The hurt burns out the false so that the only think left is truth. I’ve been there, too, and I promise you, his words are true. “The suffering won’t last forever.”

“It won’t be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious plans they are!—will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, he does.” -1 Peter 5:10-11 MSG

He has a plan and a purpose for your life. You may have messed up what you thought He had planned, but who do you think it is that you’re serving? God gets the last word concerning you and you can look at Jesus to see what He said. He gets the last word. That means that your sin doesn’t. Thank God.

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i got it from my mama

When you’re going though adolescence, you tend to focus on the flaws in your parents more than the things you clung to when you were little. A kid at that age separates him or herself from the things a child would do. Like, be silly with your mom in public, or want her to tuck you in at night. There was a time you used to beg her to stay. Then she suddenly embarrassed you and you wanted her to drop you off down the street. Most of us don’t appreciate our moms until we become moms.

I was adopted when I was 10, so I was never a little kid with my mom. She started out with me feeling embarrassed.

Their religion bothered me the most. It was the source of every “no” and every time I got in trouble. It embarrassed me, so I fought to let everyone know that I wasn’t like them.

I moved out and grew up a little bit, but my life was a car with no wheels. I reached out for God and ultimately caused me to reach out to her. I was 19, unmarried and pregnant. I became a Christian and that made me feel devastated about my obvious damage. The sin was too fresh and it kept bleeding through the bandages.

As religious as my mom was, she had the best understanding of grace and God’s sovereignty of anyone I knew. However, I did not see that at the time.

She would tell me that “it was God’s plan to bring my child here. God did not make a mistake when He made me a mom. He did it on purpose.”

I would dismiss her as “just being a mom.” Of course she’s going to say that.

“You can’t turn everything around so that it benefits me.” I’d argue.

I grew up a bit more and developed my own relationship with God. I moved further and further away from not feeling pure and eventually my sin scabbed over. I made sure that everyone knew that I was not who I was. I did not believe my mom’s version of grace because it was too easy. There wasn’t a cubby for it in my religion. You had to do it the hard way.

Then I found myself so far off track that I knew I could never make it back to where I was. I turned my life upside down in a ditch that fell through.

I didn’t know where I was. I reached out to my mom because I couldn’t bear to not hear love in my Father’s voice.

She would tell me that God never asked me to punish myself. That I am allowed to look forward with hope and trust in God’s forgiveness. She told me that she believes things happen for a reason and that God has a plan.

I was angry at her. I thought she didn’t get it. That was until I remembered a different time she stood by God’s sovereignty.

Before I was adopted, my parents tried to have their own children. They wanted six kids and a farm. That’s it. My mom was 19 when she had her little girl. She named her Kassandra (Sandy) and fell deeply in love with her and deeper with her husband. Around the time they were pregnant with their little boy, Jeremiah (Jeremy), they found out that something was wrong with Sandy. She wasn’t developing properly. A few years later, they found out that something was wrong with Jeremy, too. And his was a little bit worse. Their kids had an unexplainable disease. When they were trying to figure this out, they got pregnant with their third. My mom had two kids in wheelchairs and innumerable questions. The third baby died in her third trimester. Then my mom had a hysterectomy. A few years later, Sandy died. She was eight-years-old.

This was all before she was 30. This was all my parents’ marriage knew.

When Sandy died, Jeremy started to die.

My parents have always wanted six kids. So, they registered to adopt. Not long before that, my own mother gave me up for adoption. I was nine-years-old when I watched her sign the papers. I had a little sister and two little brothers beside me.

When my parents got the first phone call from the adoption agency, they jumped at it. They didn’t care that it was a group of four siblings. Upon meeting us, it wasn’t even a question of “Do you want them?” Why do you think they drove 4 hours?

I’ll never understand what they were thinking. My two little brothers were farting and fighting like feral children, my love-starved sister would not get off their laps, and I would not let go of my foster mom.

When we moved in, their son, Jeremy, started coming back to life. He loved my little brothers’ antics and my sister doted on him like he was hers.

He was seven when we joined his family. He was sicker than Sandy, but he outlived her by six years My mom swears it’s because of us. Not long after Jeremy died, my parents adopted a one-year-old and his infant brother.

Six kids in all.

One afternoon, my mom was telling me about the pain she went through when she lost her babies. I remember asking her how it was that she could trust God even though He took her babies from her. I couldn’t understand how she could believe it was God’s plan.

She answered my questions by saying, “God knew you needed a mommy.”

She wasn’t a one-sided grace server or biased in her faith. She trusted God’s grace and sovereignty even when it meant that she had to be ripped to pieces.

God always has reason. Remember that when it looks like the end. One day you’ll look back and shake your head in amazement because you’ll really get it.

Stories of grace always leave a hole somewhere that only Jesus can explain. If you just focus on the negative, it’s hard to see that the God we all know as good to allow something that goes against what we would call perfect and good. My parents didn’t know what God had planned for them. I think that if God showed us what it would take to get us to where we want to be, we’d have a hard time following Him through it. God gave my parents their dream of six kids and a farm. He just didn’t tell them how hard it would be to get there.

In my own life, it’s my worst experiences that have brought about the things I thank God for the most. Your faith has to be challenged before it can grow. Having your faith challenged is gut wrenching.

The following picture doesn’t have much to do with my message, but it made me laugh.

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He will settle you

I love reading the Bible in different translations. Sometimes the older versions choose wording that is out of our culture’s vocabulary enough to bring new light to the meaning.

This particular set of scriptures has significant meaning to me because it is the only verse I dated in my Bible. I dated it the last time I read my Bible before I fell.

“Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping. Keep your guard up. You’re not the only ones plunged into these hard times. It’s the same with Christians all over the world. So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won’t last forever. It won’t be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious plans they are!—will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, he does.” -1 Peter 5:8-11

I had no idea.

In the aftermath, I was brought back to these verses when I was searching for answers about my eternal fate. It told me:

1. He knew.
2. I wasn’t alone.
3. “The suffering won’t last forever.”
4. One day I would be okay and I would be okay forever.
5. He’s in control.

These things are huge for someone who knows how bad they messed up. There are people who are there right now and they need hope, not condemnation. Condemnation is ripping them to pieces and you, as a believer, have to stop it. That should be the only thing you want to do. The truth about Jesus should be screaming from every pore on your body.

He knew about your sin before it happened. He understands where you are and what is happening to you in your spirit. He knows the forces against you and He hears every word they say. For whatever reason, this is important. This pain, torment, uncertainty, terror, anger, and the blood in your tears are doing something important. Remember the story of the threshing floor? Where the wheat was stripped of it’s outer shell? The seed died and was buried. He calls you ‘wheat’. You are the wheat and your outer shell is being ripped from you. You are dying in the dirt.

Why? Why would a seed need to be exposed and shoved in the dirt? What good can come from a thunderous rain that goes on and on?

New life.

That’s what this is all about. It’s a transformation and you needed to go through whatever would be the most effective for the overall purpose. It seems so cruel, but that is where the real decision comes in. Do you want Him? Do you trust Him? You have to die to fit through the Gate and He knows what will kill you. Life through death. You have to really understand doubt to understand faith.

Then, like a parent mouthing the words for their nervous little play actor, He tells you that you’re not alone. Everyone has to go through their own personal hell and the worst thing about it is that nobody can go with you. He lets this happen by using here-and-now things and circumstances. Nobody will understand you. Nobody will know what to say to you. Nobody will want to be around you. Nothing is without purpose. “It’s the same with Christians all over the world.”

Very soon, you will be able to believe it when He says that He’ll “have you put together and on your feet for good.”

Here are the same scriptures in a different translation:

“Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: Whom resist stedfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world. But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.” -1 Peter 5:8-11 KJV

Resist giving up, that’s what the “adversary” is really after. Everyone not only is going through it, but they must go through it. You have been called, with grace, to eternal life, but you must “suffer for a while”. Then, He will establish you and make you stronger. He will settle you.

“He will settle you” takes on an immeasurable significance. Like an infant crying through the night. Like girl with no roots. He will “settle you.”

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a bruised reed, He will not break

When I see the mess, I see the end. The mess is part of the beauty. It’s more than the hope of capricious wishful thinking. It’s the kind of certainty that makes it feel like a cheat for faith. Damaged people are my favorite. The wounds are something to be grafted to. Take a community of broken people and watch them form bonds that no green twig can challenge. A body formed and grafted by the pieces of others to build a seamless Temple to house the worship of them, The Pardoned. The man with decades of wounds can write his worship from the depth of his pain and lead the rest in a song that seemed like it was written for them. “Rescue me, Rescue me.” And the forgotten places cry out in unison. Two or more gathered and the valley of dry bones raises up with a new Spirit and the freshness of Breath.

A lot of our wounds were inflicted by those who were supposed to be safe. When they stepped outside the Truth, they got cut off. And you, because of your faith in Jesus, found sanctuary in the very place they said you could not come.

So I ask, did they stumble in order that they might fall? By no means! Rather through their trespass salvation has come… -Romans 11:11 ESV

Through the failure of the insider, the outsider gets to run to the Truth. The forgotten, the wounded, the lamb with a limp, relies more on the Savior than the guards at His tomb. They think He’ll be stolen. They fear a contaminated scene. They don’t get it like the woman waiting to see the sun through her swollen eyes.

Someone will lay a foundation of need. It’s the accusations, the condemnations, the run around, and the judgment that usher in the Hopeless Procession. You get beaten down, lied to, your words twisted, and your sin exposed. You lose the right to your privacy, the right to your honesty, and the right to own your spot on your own journey. They take your name and make it a sin to speak. They take your work and make a curse to continue. You are left with a death to worth and to purpose. Your Human Race Membership has been abducted.

In that spot of anger and terror, of sorrow and confusion, you hear the Whisper call through the night. “Come.” Your memories, your bag of lead sins, the scars that you carry are heavy on your shoulders and heavier on your heart. You can’t take another step, not when you have no place to go. “Come to me.”

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” -Jesus, Matthew 11:28-30 ESV

There is a canyon between those who leave you and the One that calls you. He is different. He’s not like them. He is gentle and lowly in heart. Your Creator is gentle. The Sovereign is lowly in heart. The Lion of Judah is roaring your name.

“a bruised reed he will not break,
and a smoldering wick he will not quench,
until he brings justice to victory;
and in his name the Gentiles will hope.” -Matthew 12:20-21 ESV

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