Spring is the red carpet. Camera flashes of lightening and rain stalls you for introspection to interview your direction and destination.
I’m dressed in my premier best and want to be seen for my work. I have an idea of who I should be. I talk like her, walk like her and make choices based on who she is. I imagine the interview at the end of my life and I want the struggle to be part of my story. I want to say that I worked for however many years toward a goal with a single mind and then suddenly the sky opened up to ‘more than I could have imagined.’ Only I’ll secretly know that I had this pictured the whole time. I’ll let the cameras flash and pick out my shoes according to how they look on the red carpet. I’ll pick my dress according to how it photographs. I have it all pictured.
In that picture, I’m somebody else. Not so short. Not so insecure. Red carpet shoes.
Life and responsibility have been beating down my door and I keep telling it to go away because I’m not a member of that life anymore. I took on a different job. An ‘eternal’ one that pays with a different currency. I thought my natural life should be taken care of by default.
The rain of Spring is slowing me down. Things aren’t happening the way I pictured them. The elevator I’ve been waiting for is down for maintenance or full of other people. I’ve been standing in this lobby for so long that I had to take off my shoes to ease my aching feet. When people pass by, I tell them who I am. Or rather, who I want to be.
Anything but me. When did this happen?
I had a revelation in the struggle. I’m not being myself because I’m trying to be what I think I should be. I’ve put limitations on myself that God never intended. I’m supposed to take the stairs. Something I thought I was too good for.
When I was given my purpose, to write, I dropped everything and started writing. I quit everything else and focused on who I thought I was becoming. When I quit everything else, all of the momentum came to a halt and I thought that it was God testing me, so I pushed forward. Things started falling in on me, but I thought it was the test and I ignored them. Now I can’t ignore them. Now I have to pick up things I left behind and it makes me question myself. It makes me question God.
This time of self-examination has taught me that I have decided what my ‘purpose’ looks like and I started emulating that. I can know in my head that God needs me out of the way so that He can move through me, but in dropping everything, I have only put myself in the way. I have nothing else to do but watch the pot of water while I’m waiting for the boil. I’m not the fire under the pan. I don’t have to watch it for it to boil. I don’t even have to be in the same room. I can take care of my responsibilities and when the water starts boiling, I’ll hear it splash over the sides of the pot and then I can attend to it.
“If you are consciously aware of your own holiness, you place limitations on yourself from doing certain things–Things God is not restricting you from at all.” –Oswald Chambers
I’ve done that to myself and I’ve suffered because of it. The only thing I can do now is abandon my notions, without abandoning ‘my purpose‘, and head for the stairs.
For those of you who are local, I’m heading back to the salon. Send me an email for more information.