It’s hard to trust people with the depths of you. It’s hard to let them into the deep layers of failure and doubt. As we age, we learn the distance of safety and create protective boundaries. What lies within our walls is sacred, however flawed, it is who we are and we recognize the need to develop without being imprinted with misuse or stunted by being misunderstood. Only, we don’t realize we’re not developing and fear is what is stunting our growth. Boundaries are necessary, shutting everyone out isn’t.
I always kept people at a distance. I built my walls so that betrayal could never destroy me. I never let anyone in and I never came out. A symptom of my childhood. I was alone at the core of me, the depths that no one could understand without having walked in my shoes. I was the only one I could really trust.
I didn’t realize that keeping myself hidden away in soul deep isolation would become the ideal terrain for me to become prey to myself, my sin. An empty house with acres of seclusion became my prison when my flesh ripped separate and hunted what was left of my innocence… my, “I didn’t mean to.”
I became my enemy. I knew that no one would come and save me from myself. I wouldn’t have. Split in two with no desire to be joined with the ‘me’ in her, the self-hate was a bitter tongue.
Pushed to the wall, I called to God; from the wide open spaces, he answered. God’s now at my side and I’m not afraid; who would dare lay a hand on me? – Psalm 118:5-6
It was sheer desperation, a last resort, to run to the wall and open the door. I wanted the torment to be over and the only way out was to let the punishment in. Instead of running to me, He called out to ‘her’, the worst of me. Face to face with myself, who I hated, I had to forgive if I wanted to be with Him.
It took me a while to understand that by Him embracing my worst, I would never have to doubt Him again. I had to forgive myself so that I could understand what forgiveness was. I needed to know His love before I could love Him back.
I didn’t realize that I had kept Jesus at a distance. I trusted myself more than I trusted Him. When I betrayed my self-trust I was pushed to my walls clawing to get away from myself.
The tables have turned. He calls the shots. I no longer try to protect myself from Him because He protects me from me. Retrospect tells me that He knew that I wanted a relationship with Him, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t even know I didn’t know how. In order for me to learn, I needed to see my worst. If I clung to myself because of my self-trust, then it was my self-trust that needed to be shattered. Only when I couldn’t rely on myself, did I go running to Jesus. The only thing I hold on to now is Him because He promised that He’ll never let me go.
Every person the Father gives me eventually comes running to me. And once that person is with me, I hold on and don’t let go. – John 6:37
I don’t have to hide behind the walls of shame and fear. I trust Him and I trust what He did for me…for all of us. I went looking for Him, but He was already looking for me. With doors open and walls torn down, I know Who walks with me. Because of grace, I can live out in the open unashamed and drenched in in the tears of ‘thank you.’
By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that’s not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God’s grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise. – Romans 5:1-2