I’m trying to find a groove. Something that won’t wear me down.
It’s 3 a.m. and I’m still on fall back time.
Sometimes I feel over-exposed and I pull away for a bit. I enjoy being alone in my head and if I’m writing, I’m writing for you. You’re in my head. Many of you have connected with me on the level I’m trying to reach people and you’re with me every time I write. I may never hear from you, but I know you’re there. I can relax with you. I’m talking to ‘soul mates’ in kindred sense. We’re related by pain.
But, even with that, I need to pull away. The fight gets rough sometimes and I have to recede to rest. I’ve never cared if I have a bunch of blog hits. I take this message seriously. It will reach who it needs to reach.
Some of your processes were a lot longer than mine. Some of you have been going through the hell for years. Most of you still are.
I write about places I no longer live. I’m not still in that place, but I know that nobody writes about it, so I want to. I want people who use computer search terms like “God, please help me!” to find this blog. A parallel measure of my faith brings God here. Some of you bring God here. You’re making a difference, too.
I know I’m not always right. I want to know when I’m wrong. I’m just happy to make people think. I don’t try to make people mad, but I seem to sometimes. It comes with the territory and I like this location.
When people write me to tell me to ‘move on’ or to start picking apart my mentality or redemption, then I get frustrated. They’re missing the point. Writing is art. An artist creates his best work when he hurts the most. Even the artist fifty-years past his darkest days will still produce art with the darkness in it. That’s what makes him a great artist. The dark is only understood by the light.
I have just discovered that if I started being silent about what I know, and started living more pastel, I would look more ‘healed.’ I had no idea there was a certain look to healed. Healed isn’t being happy all the time. Healed is finding the truth. The truth propels you further than your emotions and capacity for pain. Truth is your escape. It’s a break from the chaos. It’s sustenance for the journey.
I want my message to be one where people can find truth. I want them to give the scriptures another chance. God has so much to say and I can just point it out. Go to Him. Don’t dwell on me. It wears me out because I just want you to open up to Him. I’m a turnoff to a lot of people. But they’re people who need their box broken and burned. God doesn’t fit in a box. He can regularly blow your mind until you can’t take anymore. I often wonder if some people haven’t felt that in a long time.
I’m a little bit harder to reach now and I’m not always the best at returning emails. I read them all, though.
I’m quiet and usually socially awkward. I watch and listen. I love talking to people about God and grace, but I don’t small talk. I’m private about everything but Him. That ends up requiring me to tell the story of my scars, so it gets intense. Small talk doesn’t fit.
I’m thinking about the ‘Sifted As Wheat’ conference. I broke the website, but I’ll figure it out. I keep trying to picture the conference and, more than anything, I just want it to be comfortable. I want people who know what it is to be hated to feel loved. Come if you can love people. Come if you need to be loved. Can you imagine the healing?
Can you feel the calling?
Well, there’s my head.