This question was sent to me and I thought I would make it today’s blog post, because others could benefit from reading it…
This is just a question, which I would LOVE to get your response.
Regarding something you said in one of your videos regarding infidelity, you said something to the effect of “You must allow yourself to be broken or…….it’s not good”
My husband had a 3-yr. affair. We have been working for the past two years to keep our marriage together. He is repentant, but it certainly seems like he’s not broken. In a way it feels like he’s still somewhat in denial, because he just can’t (or doesn’t want to) feel the PAIN. How can I help him??? I know we can’t “properly heal” unless there’s brokenness. PLEASE RESPOND. Thank you so much. I love your site!!
Thank you for your kind words. I think it’s awesome that the two of you have worked so hard for so long…. It’s a terrible place to be…no matter the individual situation.
If your husband hasn’t let himself break, then that is still in front of you. There are a lot of reasons why people come across that way. One of the biggest reasons is to save face. They need to be strong, emulate deliverance… There is a pressure to be healed. The answer for some is to look healed.
What is he like in other tradgedies? Is he the strong one? Is it possible he’s trying to be strong for you? He’s hurt you so much, maybe he doesn’t think he can break because you need him.
Something that people don’t know about breaking (unless you have) is that there is an overwhelming dread that you can’t make it back. That you’ll die in there. You sink into the blackness and wait for it to be over. Wait for a death that won’t come. You start out with the smallest thread of hope that you can make it, then the hope fades. When it fades, fear shrieks through you like some evil abyss swallowing you from the inside out.
Then you start realizing something… You thought your hope was in Jesus, but you realize it wasn’t. You realize that you had hope in your abilty to surivive..human resolve. Then you start to recognize what you did to Jesus. Your lack of faith, the distance you kept him at… All of your failures, selfishness, self righteousness… It’s overwhelming, crushing. You’re at the bottom. Then the Truth starts to seep in… He died for this, He loves you…. And the love…the LOVE destroys you. Beautifully gut wrenching. A piercing howl of death ripping and shredding. You think you’re going to die. And you do.
You start to hear sound again, like a strobe light of life in flashes of color. The silent hurricane has subsided, but the breeze still burns like an electric shock to a body with no skin. Raw and new.
Whispers of Love nurse you as you sleep. Breath of Life breathes over you like a lullaby from a new mother.
Love him. Don’t expect this process to go according to any schedule.
He may fall again…
If you can, don’t give up on him. You’re in a hellish fight, too. When he breaks, you will lose him. But when Jesus carries Him back, he’ll be a different man.
Don’t look at the outside. The outside is very deceiving… He could be dying inside-for MANY reasons. Reasons he may not be able to tell you.
My advice: LOVE him. Love destroys the weeds.
I hope I helped!