does it get easier?

Posted: January 7th, 2013 | Filed under: life | Tags: , , , , | 46 Comments »

“I would be curious to hear more of the journey that you went through in your second marriage. Were family members cold and indifferent? Living in the same town, did the process of seeing “old” friends ever become easier? I appreciate your willingness to be so exposed about your life. -Sandy”

There is a lot I could say about my journey in my second marriage, so I’ll just stick to what you asked. If you have more questions, I have more answers.

Family members have not been cold or indifferent at all. They were sad for me and everyone else involved. They watched me as I broke apart. They read the letters I received from people. They tried to reach me, to comfort me, but I was so lost inside myself that I couldn’t be reached for a long time.

Living in the same town is a bit different for me, too. I hadn’t lived here for almost a decade when I had my affair. I moved back here during the aftermath because my family lives here. I either don’t see people anymore, or I don’t recognize them when I do. I’ve been gone too long.

The problem is, they recognize me. They used to be very aggressive. I’ve been “shoulder bumped” by complete strangers. People used to gawk and whisper. People I did recognize used to pretend I wasn’t there. Not in an subtle way. They were haughty.

It barely touched me though. I was so much more broken than they knew. They were kicking a dead body.

There was a woman who didn’t want my daughters going to the same school as her children, so she found a way to have my children sent to another school. Meanwhile, people were writing me to tell me that they are praying that children won’t be affected by my life. They weren’t talking about the sin, they were talking about me. My daughters were allowed to come back six weeks later because I could prove that they were wrong.

People used to call the owner of the business I worked for and told them that they were boycotting her because I worked there. Luckily, the owner thought they were crazy and took the risk.

The people closer to my sin could not, and cannot, stomach me. They’ve managed to avoid me for most of the seven and a half years. They make a quick exit on the occasional bump in. I recently watched a man sneak out of a coffee shop when he thought I wasn’t looking.

It’s been seven and a half years and I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that there may never be reconciliation. I realize it’s taken a long time, but that just how it played out.

I remember, several years ago, I told God that I wanted to move away from here. His response was to reveal to me that I have to heal where I was broken, otherwise I would always be broken there. It’s the same reason you don’t cast the right arm to heal the Β broken left.

I’m well trained in this fight. My bones have healed tougher.

I have learned that I can’t define what my own healing looks like. A death grip on your own version of anything keeps you from moving forward.

I’ve learned that I am set free and there are no more steps to be taken. There are no boxes to be checked. There is no trial that I’ll lose. There never was.

Believing that is where the healing is.

I can pass through this town unbroken now. I didn’t have to wait for their permission. While I can walk freely, they have to sneak around and avoid certain places I frequent. Interesting.

bbls

 

 


46 Comments »


46 Comments on “does it get easier?”

  1. 1 Rebekah said at 10:55 am on January 7th, 2013:

    "I have to heal where I was broken…"

    That goes so much deeper than physical location for me. I'm still trying to find exactly WHERE and WHEN I was broken so I can experience complete healing. All I know is that I've been broken for a long time, and I mistook a few bandaids for healing. "A death grip on your own version of anything keeps you from moving forward"…that's true for healing too. I've spent nearly six years holding onto my version of healing when all I really learned was another method of coping and surviving.
    My recent post Grace And “The Right Thing”

  2. 2 Rebekah said at 10:55 am on January 7th, 2013:

    "I have to heal where I was broken…"

    That goes so much deeper than physical location for me. I'm still trying to find exactly WHERE and WHEN I was broken so I can experience complete healing. All I know is that I've been broken for a long time, and I mistook a few bandaids for healing. "A death grip on your own version of anything keeps you from moving forward"…that's true for healing too. I've spent nearly six years holding onto my version of healing when all I really learned was another method of coping and surviving.
    My recent post Grace And “The Right Thing”

  3. 3 Rebekah said at 10:55 am on January 7th, 2013:

    "I have to heal where I was broken…"

    That goes so much deeper than physical location for me. I'm still trying to find exactly WHERE and WHEN I was broken so I can experience complete healing. All I know is that I've been broken for a long time, and I mistook a few bandaids for healing. "A death grip on your own version of anything keeps you from moving forward"…that's true for healing too. I've spent nearly six years holding onto my version of healing when all I really learned was another method of coping and surviving.
    My recent post Grace And “The Right Thing”

  4. 4 Rebekah said at 10:55 am on January 7th, 2013:

    "I have to heal where I was broken…"

    That goes so much deeper than physical location for me. I'm still trying to find exactly WHERE and WHEN I was broken so I can experience complete healing. All I know is that I've been broken for a long time, and I mistook a few bandaids for healing. "A death grip on your own version of anything keeps you from moving forward"…that's true for healing too. I've spent nearly six years holding onto my version of healing when all I really learned was another method of coping and surviving.
    My recent post Grace And “The Right Thing”

  5. 5 Rebekah said at 10:55 am on January 7th, 2013:

    "I have to heal where I was broken…"

    That goes so much deeper than physical location for me. I'm still trying to find exactly WHERE and WHEN I was broken so I can experience complete healing. All I know is that I've been broken for a long time, and I mistook a few bandaids for healing. "A death grip on your own version of anything keeps you from moving forward"…that's true for healing too. I've spent nearly six years holding onto my version of healing when all I really learned was another method of coping and surviving.
    My recent post Grace And “The Right Thing”

  6. 6 Rebekah said at 10:55 am on January 7th, 2013:

    "I have to heal where I was broken…"

    That goes so much deeper than physical location for me. I'm still trying to find exactly WHERE and WHEN I was broken so I can experience complete healing. All I know is that I've been broken for a long time, and I mistook a few bandaids for healing. "A death grip on your own version of anything keeps you from moving forward"…that's true for healing too. I've spent nearly six years holding onto my version of healing when all I really learned was another method of coping and surviving.
    My recent post Grace And “The Right Thing”

  7. 7 Rebekah said at 10:55 am on January 7th, 2013:

    "I have to heal where I was broken…"

    That goes so much deeper than physical location for me. I'm still trying to find exactly WHERE and WHEN I was broken so I can experience complete healing. All I know is that I've been broken for a long time, and I mistook a few bandaids for healing. "A death grip on your own version of anything keeps you from moving forward"…that's true for healing too. I've spent nearly six years holding onto my version of healing when all I really learned was another method of coping and surviving.
    My recent post Grace And “The Right Thing”

  8. 8 Rebekah said at 10:55 am on January 7th, 2013:

    "I have to heal where I was broken…"

    That goes so much deeper than physical location for me. I'm still trying to find exactly WHERE and WHEN I was broken so I can experience complete healing. All I know is that I've been broken for a long time, and I mistook a few bandaids for healing. "A death grip on your own version of anything keeps you from moving forward"…that's true for healing too. I've spent nearly six years holding onto my version of healing when all I really learned was another method of coping and surviving.
    My recent post Grace And “The Right Thing”

  9. 9 Rebekah said at 10:55 am on January 7th, 2013:

    "I have to heal where I was broken…"

    That goes so much deeper than physical location for me. I'm still trying to find exactly WHERE and WHEN I was broken so I can experience complete healing. All I know is that I've been broken for a long time, and I mistook a few bandaids for healing. "A death grip on your own version of anything keeps you from moving forward"…that's true for healing too. I've spent nearly six years holding onto my version of healing when all I really learned was another method of coping and surviving.
    My recent post Grace And “The Right Thing”

  10. 10 Rebekah said at 10:55 am on January 7th, 2013:

    "I have to heal where I was broken…"

    That goes so much deeper than physical location for me. I'm still trying to find exactly WHERE and WHEN I was broken so I can experience complete healing. All I know is that I've been broken for a long time, and I mistook a few bandaids for healing. "A death grip on your own version of anything keeps you from moving forward"…that's true for healing too. I've spent nearly six years holding onto my version of healing when all I really learned was another method of coping and surviving.
    My recent post Grace And “The Right Thing”

  11. 11 Rebekah said at 10:55 am on January 7th, 2013:

    "I have to heal where I was broken…"

    That goes so much deeper than physical location for me. I'm still trying to find exactly WHERE and WHEN I was broken so I can experience complete healing. All I know is that I've been broken for a long time, and I mistook a few bandaids for healing. "A death grip on your own version of anything keeps you from moving forward"…that's true for healing too. I've spent nearly six years holding onto my version of healing when all I really learned was another method of coping and surviving.
    My recent post Grace And “The Right Thing”

  12. 12 Rebekah said at 10:55 am on January 7th, 2013:

    "I have to heal where I was broken…"

    That goes so much deeper than physical location for me. I'm still trying to find exactly WHERE and WHEN I was broken so I can experience complete healing. All I know is that I've been broken for a long time, and I mistook a few bandaids for healing. "A death grip on your own version of anything keeps you from moving forward"…that's true for healing too. I've spent nearly six years holding onto my version of healing when all I really learned was another method of coping and surviving.
    My recent post Grace And “The Right Thing”

  13. 13 Rebekah said at 10:55 am on January 7th, 2013:

    "I have to heal where I was broken…"

    That goes so much deeper than physical location for me. I'm still trying to find exactly WHERE and WHEN I was broken so I can experience complete healing. All I know is that I've been broken for a long time, and I mistook a few bandaids for healing. "A death grip on your own version of anything keeps you from moving forward"…that's true for healing too. I've spent nearly six years holding onto my version of healing when all I really learned was another method of coping and surviving.
    My recent post Grace And “The Right Thing”

  14. 14 Rebekah said at 10:55 am on January 7th, 2013:

    "I have to heal where I was broken…"

    That goes so much deeper than physical location for me. I'm still trying to find exactly WHERE and WHEN I was broken so I can experience complete healing. All I know is that I've been broken for a long time, and I mistook a few bandaids for healing. "A death grip on your own version of anything keeps you from moving forward"…that's true for healing too. I've spent nearly six years holding onto my version of healing when all I really learned was another method of coping and surviving.
    My recent post Grace And “The Right Thing”

  15. 15 Rebekah said at 10:55 am on January 7th, 2013:

    "I have to heal where I was broken…"

    That goes so much deeper than physical location for me. I'm still trying to find exactly WHERE and WHEN I was broken so I can experience complete healing. All I know is that I've been broken for a long time, and I mistook a few bandaids for healing. "A death grip on your own version of anything keeps you from moving forward"…that's true for healing too. I've spent nearly six years holding onto my version of healing when all I really learned was another method of coping and surviving.
    My recent post Grace And “The Right Thing”

  16. 16 Rebekah said at 10:55 am on January 7th, 2013:

    "I have to heal where I was broken…"

    That goes so much deeper than physical location for me. I'm still trying to find exactly WHERE and WHEN I was broken so I can experience complete healing. All I know is that I've been broken for a long time, and I mistook a few bandaids for healing. "A death grip on your own version of anything keeps you from moving forward"…that's true for healing too. I've spent nearly six years holding onto my version of healing when all I really learned was another method of coping and surviving.
    My recent post Grace And “The Right Thing”

  17. 17 Rebekah said at 10:55 am on January 7th, 2013:

    "I have to heal where I was broken…"

    That goes so much deeper than physical location for me. I'm still trying to find exactly WHERE and WHEN I was broken so I can experience complete healing. All I know is that I've been broken for a long time, and I mistook a few bandaids for healing. "A death grip on your own version of anything keeps you from moving forward"…that's true for healing too. I've spent nearly six years holding onto my version of healing when all I really learned was another method of coping and surviving.
    My recent post Grace And “The Right Thing”

  18. 18 Mickey said at 12:52 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    Thanks for this post. I have not experienced the mean reactions from the community to your extent. But I did want to pick up and move. I realized by doing this would hurt my children more than anything. So I'm here in the same town going through the healing. I sometimes will shop in the next town because the other family involved live in the same town. Our children go to the same school. But when needed I will shop on their side of town with my head held high and hoping I don't see them at the same time. With time it does get easier but as long as the other family lives here I will be on edge and finding ways to heal.

  19. 19 serenawoods said at 1:08 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    "I'm still trying to find exactly WHERE and WHEN I was broken so I can experience complete healing."

    Yes, that's exactly it. Your comment spurred tomorrow's blog post. πŸ™‚

  20. 20 serenawoods said at 1:14 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    I have found that it's good to be in the same town and just face it because, in some ways, it keeps the rumors from getting too out of hand. Although, some can pick you apart based on your appearance. People are strange, especially if they're bored.

    After about two years here, people started coming up to us and telling us that the stories they were hearing did not match what they were seeing. The truth about who people are eventually surfaces.

  21. 21 Rebekah said at 1:45 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    What I thought was that the breaking happened six years ago when I acted out. What I'm finding out is that the breaking may have actually occurred 30+ years ago, and the acting out six years ago was merely a result of childhood trauma. My counselor from six years ago only addressed the behavior, which seems to only be a symptom of much-deeper issues. What a long journey…

    Glad my comment inspired a new post! πŸ™‚
    My recent post Grace And “The Right Thing”

  22. 22 Rebekah said at 1:45 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    What I thought was that the breaking happened six years ago when I acted out. What I'm finding out is that the breaking may have actually occurred 30+ years ago, and the acting out six years ago was merely a result of childhood trauma. My counselor from six years ago only addressed the behavior, which seems to only be a symptom of much-deeper issues. What a long journey…

    Glad my comment inspired a new post! πŸ™‚
    My recent post Grace And “The Right Thing”

  23. 23 Rebekah said at 1:45 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    What I thought was that the breaking happened six years ago when I acted out. What I'm finding out is that the breaking may have actually occurred 30+ years ago, and the acting out six years ago was merely a result of childhood trauma. My counselor from six years ago only addressed the behavior, which seems to only be a symptom of much-deeper issues. What a long journey…

    Glad my comment inspired a new post! πŸ™‚
    My recent post Grace And “The Right Thing”

  24. 24 Rebekah said at 1:45 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    What I thought was that the breaking happened six years ago when I acted out. What I'm finding out is that the breaking may have actually occurred 30+ years ago, and the acting out six years ago was merely a result of childhood trauma. My counselor from six years ago only addressed the behavior, which seems to only be a symptom of much-deeper issues. What a long journey…

    Glad my comment inspired a new post! πŸ™‚
    My recent post Grace And “The Right Thing”

  25. 25 Rebekah said at 1:45 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    What I thought was that the breaking happened six years ago when I acted out. What I'm finding out is that the breaking may have actually occurred 30+ years ago, and the acting out six years ago was merely a result of childhood trauma. My counselor from six years ago only addressed the behavior, which seems to only be a symptom of much-deeper issues. What a long journey…

    Glad my comment inspired a new post! πŸ™‚
    My recent post Grace And “The Right Thing”

  26. 26 Rebekah said at 1:45 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    What I thought was that the breaking happened six years ago when I acted out. What I'm finding out is that the breaking may have actually occurred 30+ years ago, and the acting out six years ago was merely a result of childhood trauma. My counselor from six years ago only addressed the behavior, which seems to only be a symptom of much-deeper issues. What a long journey…

    Glad my comment inspired a new post! πŸ™‚
    My recent post Grace And “The Right Thing”

  27. 27 Jeremy Walker said at 2:47 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    The actions of other people I knew after my affair hit their ears were random and different. While some would cry and walk away when they saw me out somewhere, others would brazenly stare at me as they walked past with an angry look of revulsion on their faces.

    I remember one of the trustees of my church knocking at my front door a week after I had resigned because of my affair. He was not angry when I answered the door but he was sweating and obviously nervous. His first words were, "I'm not here to judge…just to talk…maybe we could talk…would you come with me." I didn't really know what to do…so I just loaded up in his car, not having a clue where we were going. I sat silently as he nervously and quickly told me how he "almost" left his wife once…not because of an affair…but because he was unhappy. And he figured that even though he had never had an affair, the fact that he almost left his wife made our situations similar….of course they weren't the same at all, but I was kind of comforted that he cared enough about me to reach out. He actually ended up taking me to the hospital to meet his dying father and I casually greeted the rest of his family but mostly stood back in silence not really sure what to make of the situation I was in. In the end he drove me back home and I've never heard from him again.

    I think people just deal with these things in different ways and act out accordingly whether their right or wrong. What I had to learn was to not let others thoughts and judgements of me, enslave me….and that's something I work on within myself still today.
    My recent post 1 Year….

  28. 28 Jeremy Walker said at 2:47 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    The actions of other people I knew after my affair hit their ears were random and different. While some would cry and walk away when they saw me out somewhere, others would brazenly stare at me as they walked past with an angry look of revulsion on their faces.

    I remember one of the trustees of my church knocking at my front door a week after I had resigned because of my affair. He was not angry when I answered the door but he was sweating and obviously nervous. His first words were, "I'm not here to judge…just to talk…maybe we could talk…would you come with me." I didn't really know what to do…so I just loaded up in his car, not having a clue where we were going. I sat silently as he nervously and quickly told me how he "almost" left his wife once…not because of an affair…but because he was unhappy. And he figured that even though he had never had an affair, the fact that he almost left his wife made our situations similar….of course they weren't the same at all, but I was kind of comforted that he cared enough about me to reach out. He actually ended up taking me to the hospital to meet his dying father and I casually greeted the rest of his family but mostly stood back in silence not really sure what to make of the situation I was in. In the end he drove me back home and I've never heard from him again.

    I think people just deal with these things in different ways and act out accordingly whether their right or wrong. What I had to learn was to not let others thoughts and judgements of me, enslave me….and that's something I work on within myself still today.
    My recent post 1 Year….

  29. 29 Jeremy Walker said at 2:47 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    The actions of other people I knew after my affair hit their ears were random and different. While some would cry and walk away when they saw me out somewhere, others would brazenly stare at me as they walked past with an angry look of revulsion on their faces.

    I remember one of the trustees of my church knocking at my front door a week after I had resigned because of my affair. He was not angry when I answered the door but he was sweating and obviously nervous. His first words were, "I'm not here to judge…just to talk…maybe we could talk…would you come with me." I didn't really know what to do…so I just loaded up in his car, not having a clue where we were going. I sat silently as he nervously and quickly told me how he "almost" left his wife once…not because of an affair…but because he was unhappy. And he figured that even though he had never had an affair, the fact that he almost left his wife made our situations similar….of course they weren't the same at all, but I was kind of comforted that he cared enough about me to reach out. He actually ended up taking me to the hospital to meet his dying father and I casually greeted the rest of his family but mostly stood back in silence not really sure what to make of the situation I was in. In the end he drove me back home and I've never heard from him again.

    I think people just deal with these things in different ways and act out accordingly whether their right or wrong. What I had to learn was to not let others thoughts and judgements of me, enslave me….and that's something I work on within myself still today.
    My recent post 1 Year….

  30. 30 Jeremy Walker said at 2:47 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    The actions of other people I knew after my affair hit their ears were random and different. While some would cry and walk away when they saw me out somewhere, others would brazenly stare at me as they walked past with an angry look of revulsion on their faces.

    I remember one of the trustees of my church knocking at my front door a week after I had resigned because of my affair. He was not angry when I answered the door but he was sweating and obviously nervous. His first words were, "I'm not here to judge…just to talk…maybe we could talk…would you come with me." I didn't really know what to do…so I just loaded up in his car, not having a clue where we were going. I sat silently as he nervously and quickly told me how he "almost" left his wife once…not because of an affair…but because he was unhappy. And he figured that even though he had never had an affair, the fact that he almost left his wife made our situations similar….of course they weren't the same at all, but I was kind of comforted that he cared enough about me to reach out. He actually ended up taking me to the hospital to meet his dying father and I casually greeted the rest of his family but mostly stood back in silence not really sure what to make of the situation I was in. In the end he drove me back home and I've never heard from him again.

    I think people just deal with these things in different ways and act out accordingly whether their right or wrong. What I had to learn was to not let others thoughts and judgements of me, enslave me….and that's something I work on within myself still today.
    My recent post 1 Year….

  31. 31 Jeremy Walker said at 2:47 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    The actions of other people I knew after my affair hit their ears were random and different. While some would cry and walk away when they saw me out somewhere, others would brazenly stare at me as they walked past with an angry look of revulsion on their faces.

    I remember one of the trustees of my church knocking at my front door a week after I had resigned because of my affair. He was not angry when I answered the door but he was sweating and obviously nervous. His first words were, "I'm not here to judge…just to talk…maybe we could talk…would you come with me." I didn't really know what to do…so I just loaded up in his car, not having a clue where we were going. I sat silently as he nervously and quickly told me how he "almost" left his wife once…not because of an affair…but because he was unhappy. And he figured that even though he had never had an affair, the fact that he almost left his wife made our situations similar….of course they weren't the same at all, but I was kind of comforted that he cared enough about me to reach out. He actually ended up taking me to the hospital to meet his dying father and I casually greeted the rest of his family but mostly stood back in silence not really sure what to make of the situation I was in. In the end he drove me back home and I've never heard from him again.

    I think people just deal with these things in different ways and act out accordingly whether their right or wrong. What I had to learn was to not let others thoughts and judgements of me, enslave me….and that's something I work on within myself still today.
    My recent post 1 Year….

  32. 32 Jeremy Walker said at 2:47 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    The actions of other people I knew after my affair hit their ears were random and different. While some would cry and walk away when they saw me out somewhere, others would brazenly stare at me as they walked past with an angry look of revulsion on their faces.

    I remember one of the trustees of my church knocking at my front door a week after I had resigned because of my affair. He was not angry when I answered the door but he was sweating and obviously nervous. His first words were, "I'm not here to judge…just to talk…maybe we could talk…would you come with me." I didn't really know what to do…so I just loaded up in his car, not having a clue where we were going. I sat silently as he nervously and quickly told me how he "almost" left his wife once…not because of an affair…but because he was unhappy. And he figured that even though he had never had an affair, the fact that he almost left his wife made our situations similar….of course they weren't the same at all, but I was kind of comforted that he cared enough about me to reach out. He actually ended up taking me to the hospital to meet his dying father and I casually greeted the rest of his family but mostly stood back in silence not really sure what to make of the situation I was in. In the end he drove me back home and I've never heard from him again.

    I think people just deal with these things in different ways and act out accordingly whether their right or wrong. What I had to learn was to not let others thoughts and judgements of me, enslave me….and that's something I work on within myself still today.
    My recent post 1 Year….

  33. 33 Jeremy Walker said at 2:47 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    The actions of other people I knew after my affair hit their ears were random and different. While some would cry and walk away when they saw me out somewhere, others would brazenly stare at me as they walked past with an angry look of revulsion on their faces.

    I remember one of the trustees of my church knocking at my front door a week after I had resigned because of my affair. He was not angry when I answered the door but he was sweating and obviously nervous. His first words were, "I'm not here to judge…just to talk…maybe we could talk…would you come with me." I didn't really know what to do…so I just loaded up in his car, not having a clue where we were going. I sat silently as he nervously and quickly told me how he "almost" left his wife once…not because of an affair…but because he was unhappy. And he figured that even though he had never had an affair, the fact that he almost left his wife made our situations similar….of course they weren't the same at all, but I was kind of comforted that he cared enough about me to reach out. He actually ended up taking me to the hospital to meet his dying father and I casually greeted the rest of his family but mostly stood back in silence not really sure what to make of the situation I was in. In the end he drove me back home and I've never heard from him again.

    I think people just deal with these things in different ways and act out accordingly whether their right or wrong. What I had to learn was to not let others thoughts and judgements of me, enslave me….and that's something I work on within myself still today.
    My recent post 1 Year….

  34. 34 Jeremy Walker said at 2:47 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    The actions of other people I knew after my affair hit their ears were random and different. While some would cry and walk away when they saw me out somewhere, others would brazenly stare at me as they walked past with an angry look of revulsion on their faces.

    I remember one of the trustees of my church knocking at my front door a week after I had resigned because of my affair. He was not angry when I answered the door but he was sweating and obviously nervous. His first words were, "I'm not here to judge…just to talk…maybe we could talk…would you come with me." I didn't really know what to do…so I just loaded up in his car, not having a clue where we were going. I sat silently as he nervously and quickly told me how he "almost" left his wife once…not because of an affair…but because he was unhappy. And he figured that even though he had never had an affair, the fact that he almost left his wife made our situations similar….of course they weren't the same at all, but I was kind of comforted that he cared enough about me to reach out. He actually ended up taking me to the hospital to meet his dying father and I casually greeted the rest of his family but mostly stood back in silence not really sure what to make of the situation I was in. In the end he drove me back home and I've never heard from him again.

    I think people just deal with these things in different ways and act out accordingly whether their right or wrong. What I had to learn was to not let others thoughts and judgements of me, enslave me….and that's something I work on within myself still today.
    My recent post 1 Year….

  35. 35 Jeremy Walker said at 2:47 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    The actions of other people I knew after my affair hit their ears were random and different. While some would cry and walk away when they saw me out somewhere, others would brazenly stare at me as they walked past with an angry look of revulsion on their faces.

    I remember one of the trustees of my church knocking at my front door a week after I had resigned because of my affair. He was not angry when I answered the door but he was sweating and obviously nervous. His first words were, "I'm not here to judge…just to talk…maybe we could talk…would you come with me." I didn't really know what to do…so I just loaded up in his car, not having a clue where we were going. I sat silently as he nervously and quickly told me how he "almost" left his wife once…not because of an affair…but because he was unhappy. And he figured that even though he had never had an affair, the fact that he almost left his wife made our situations similar….of course they weren't the same at all, but I was kind of comforted that he cared enough about me to reach out. He actually ended up taking me to the hospital to meet his dying father and I casually greeted the rest of his family but mostly stood back in silence not really sure what to make of the situation I was in. In the end he drove me back home and I've never heard from him again.

    I think people just deal with these things in different ways and act out accordingly whether their right or wrong. What I had to learn was to not let others thoughts and judgements of me, enslave me….and that's something I work on within myself still today.
    My recent post 1 Year….

  36. 36 Jeremy Walker said at 2:47 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    The actions of other people I knew after my affair hit their ears were random and different. While some would cry and walk away when they saw me out somewhere, others would brazenly stare at me as they walked past with an angry look of revulsion on their faces.

    I remember one of the trustees of my church knocking at my front door a week after I had resigned because of my affair. He was not angry when I answered the door but he was sweating and obviously nervous. His first words were, "I'm not here to judge…just to talk…maybe we could talk…would you come with me." I didn't really know what to do…so I just loaded up in his car, not having a clue where we were going. I sat silently as he nervously and quickly told me how he "almost" left his wife once…not because of an affair…but because he was unhappy. And he figured that even though he had never had an affair, the fact that he almost left his wife made our situations similar….of course they weren't the same at all, but I was kind of comforted that he cared enough about me to reach out. He actually ended up taking me to the hospital to meet his dying father and I casually greeted the rest of his family but mostly stood back in silence not really sure what to make of the situation I was in. In the end he drove me back home and I've never heard from him again.

    I think people just deal with these things in different ways and act out accordingly whether their right or wrong. What I had to learn was to not let others thoughts and judgements of me, enslave me….and that's something I work on within myself still today.
    My recent post 1 Year….

  37. 37 Jeremy Walker said at 2:47 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    The actions of other people I knew after my affair hit their ears were random and different. While some would cry and walk away when they saw me out somewhere, others would brazenly stare at me as they walked past with an angry look of revulsion on their faces.

    I remember one of the trustees of my church knocking at my front door a week after I had resigned because of my affair. He was not angry when I answered the door but he was sweating and obviously nervous. His first words were, "I'm not here to judge…just to talk…maybe we could talk…would you come with me." I didn't really know what to do…so I just loaded up in his car, not having a clue where we were going. I sat silently as he nervously and quickly told me how he "almost" left his wife once…not because of an affair…but because he was unhappy. And he figured that even though he had never had an affair, the fact that he almost left his wife made our situations similar….of course they weren't the same at all, but I was kind of comforted that he cared enough about me to reach out. He actually ended up taking me to the hospital to meet his dying father and I casually greeted the rest of his family but mostly stood back in silence not really sure what to make of the situation I was in. In the end he drove me back home and I've never heard from him again.

    I think people just deal with these things in different ways and act out accordingly whether their right or wrong. What I had to learn was to not let others thoughts and judgements of me, enslave me….and that's something I work on within myself still today.
    My recent post 1 Year….

  38. 38 Jeremy Walker said at 2:47 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    The actions of other people I knew after my affair hit their ears were random and different. While some would cry and walk away when they saw me out somewhere, others would brazenly stare at me as they walked past with an angry look of revulsion on their faces.

    I remember one of the trustees of my church knocking at my front door a week after I had resigned because of my affair. He was not angry when I answered the door but he was sweating and obviously nervous. His first words were, "I'm not here to judge…just to talk…maybe we could talk…would you come with me." I didn't really know what to do…so I just loaded up in his car, not having a clue where we were going. I sat silently as he nervously and quickly told me how he "almost" left his wife once…not because of an affair…but because he was unhappy. And he figured that even though he had never had an affair, the fact that he almost left his wife made our situations similar….of course they weren't the same at all, but I was kind of comforted that he cared enough about me to reach out. He actually ended up taking me to the hospital to meet his dying father and I casually greeted the rest of his family but mostly stood back in silence not really sure what to make of the situation I was in. In the end he drove me back home and I've never heard from him again.

    I think people just deal with these things in different ways and act out accordingly whether their right or wrong. What I had to learn was to not let others thoughts and judgements of me, enslave me….and that's something I work on within myself still today.
    My recent post 1 Year….

  39. 39 Jeremy Walker said at 2:47 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    The actions of other people I knew after my affair hit their ears were random and different. While some would cry and walk away when they saw me out somewhere, others would brazenly stare at me as they walked past with an angry look of revulsion on their faces.

    I remember one of the trustees of my church knocking at my front door a week after I had resigned because of my affair. He was not angry when I answered the door but he was sweating and obviously nervous. His first words were, "I'm not here to judge…just to talk…maybe we could talk…would you come with me." I didn't really know what to do…so I just loaded up in his car, not having a clue where we were going. I sat silently as he nervously and quickly told me how he "almost" left his wife once…not because of an affair…but because he was unhappy. And he figured that even though he had never had an affair, the fact that he almost left his wife made our situations similar….of course they weren't the same at all, but I was kind of comforted that he cared enough about me to reach out. He actually ended up taking me to the hospital to meet his dying father and I casually greeted the rest of his family but mostly stood back in silence not really sure what to make of the situation I was in. In the end he drove me back home and I've never heard from him again.

    I think people just deal with these things in different ways and act out accordingly whether their right or wrong. What I had to learn was to not let others thoughts and judgements of me, enslave me….and that's something I work on within myself still today.
    My recent post 1 Year….

  40. 40 Jeremy Walker said at 2:47 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    The actions of other people I knew after my affair hit their ears were random and different. While some would cry and walk away when they saw me out somewhere, others would brazenly stare at me as they walked past with an angry look of revulsion on their faces.

    I remember one of the trustees of my church knocking at my front door a week after I had resigned because of my affair. He was not angry when I answered the door but he was sweating and obviously nervous. His first words were, "I'm not here to judge…just to talk…maybe we could talk…would you come with me." I didn't really know what to do…so I just loaded up in his car, not having a clue where we were going. I sat silently as he nervously and quickly told me how he "almost" left his wife once…not because of an affair…but because he was unhappy. And he figured that even though he had never had an affair, the fact that he almost left his wife made our situations similar….of course they weren't the same at all, but I was kind of comforted that he cared enough about me to reach out. He actually ended up taking me to the hospital to meet his dying father and I casually greeted the rest of his family but mostly stood back in silence not really sure what to make of the situation I was in. In the end he drove me back home and I've never heard from him again.

    I think people just deal with these things in different ways and act out accordingly whether their right or wrong. What I had to learn was to not let others thoughts and judgements of me, enslave me….and that's something I work on within myself still today.
    My recent post 1 Year….

  41. 41 Cindy said at 2:54 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    I totally get this. And now that I'm free…healing…I feel sad for those who are in bondage to judgmental hearts and small minds. Forgiveness is so freeing…and how sad is it that a community feels so free to, as you so aptly put it, kick a dead body. Don't they want to be more than that? And then on the flip side, I think that except for God's grace, I would be them. Without my mistakes, my journey, I would be them. And I'm grateful all over again.
    Keep speaking the truth sister. Be blessed.

  42. 42 Darla said at 5:30 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    I, for one, find it so absurdly arrogant that any earthly being believes they have authority, only per sufferance,to judge another's behavior. We are not born with gavel in hand. God bless you and yours always.

  43. 43 serenawoods said at 8:08 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    Cindy, I'm like you. I have been that person and, because I know what it's like to mess up, I no longer am. My heart is for the damaged. They're the whole reason I write.

  44. 44 serenawoods said at 8:12 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    Darla, thank you.

    People get confused about how to take a stand for their beliefs. I say: Stand for the finished work of Jesus. Without it, there is no ground on which to stand.

  45. 45 serenawoods said at 8:13 pm on January 7th, 2013:

    Good stuff, Jeremy. πŸ™‚

  46. 46 Rachel said at 12:35 pm on March 26th, 2013:

    I came to your site through Darlene Schacht, whom I’ve been following on the Time Warp Wife site for a few months now. It was only last week that I managed to read her testimony and read how she got started, which got me crying because of my own story. And now I am nearly in shock at “accidentally” (rather DIVINELY) discovering you.

    Almost two years ago now I traveled from my home in Virginia for training in Oklahoma for 5 weeks for a new job. I was in a struggling marriage with a beautiful 4 year old daughter. When I left them at the airport, I never realized I’d be telling my then-husband I love you for the last time.

    In Oklahoma is where I met the man I would have an affair with. It happened suddenly and completely unexpectedly. I was raised in a conservative church. I helped lead worship on my current praise and worship team and was very involved in church in general. (Though the last two years or so prior to coming to OK I had been struggling in general with my faith and marriage and had even been separated from my then-husband.) My husband had even been the only man I had ever had a physical relationship with up to that point. Then for four of the five weeks in OK, the man and I spent every second we could together. I didn’t even know he too was married until after the affair began. It didn’t stop me. Or him. We stayed in touch after, even after his wife found out and was broken to pieces by it. I went home to VA and asked for a divorce, then moved my daughter and myself out of our home and into an apartment only weeks after. After the man’s wife tried counseling, books, fighting for their marriage, she found out that I was still in the picture…she moved to IL to her hometown and family (from their home in TN). Oh- and they also had two small children. Sweet, beautiful boys who’s lives I altered forever.

    My divorce became final 5 months after his wife moved out. The man’s divorce became final three months after mine. One month after his divorce was final, we became engaged. Six months after, we got married.

    My own parents got a divorce after an affair. My mother was the one who left my dad and married her affair partner. My family was heartbroken for me, knowing the total pain and destruction of families and relationships and struggles that were headed my way. but they loved me, and my mom never stopped praying for me to get back into church and get back to God. My mother is a beautiful christian woman who’s own testimony of grace through sin has kept me afloat through many difficult times. My new husband’s family was much different. His mother and stepfather allow me into their home and have shown me the love and grace I never felt I deserved. His brother, however, along with his sister in law, nieces, and their families, cut all ties with my husband. This has been the biggest pain we’ve struggled with. They are very religious and have told us we are living in sin that cannot be repented from unless we turn from it. It’s the whole ‘turning from it’ part that I never knew how to live out. How was I supposed to turn now? Now that we are married and raising our three children together? Now that we’ve woven our families in with our sin? How in the world were we supposed to ask God for forgiveness and actually be forgiven in our current situation?

    We ended up finding a church here in TN. We started meeting with the pastor. We have begun what I like to call our “restoration through Christ”. I acknowledge the awful, terrible pain we’ve caused…the broken relationships…how our children’s lives are forever changed by our actions…but with each step towards Christ, I am recognizing that we are new creations in Him- and that through our sins, we can form testimonies and become like iron sharpening iron- that perhaps, somehow, blessings can come from these ashes in only a way that GOD can carry through.

    I just wrote probably the longest comment ever! And if you took the time to read it all- bless you!!!!! All that writing to say…thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. Because I still catch myself stumbling and condemning myself over and over again, forgetting that grace IS for sinners like me.


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