Esther was a little girl who knew her own tears well. She lost her parents when she was little and her cousin, Mordecai, adopted her. He was a good man and took care of her, but I can only imagine that she often wondered what her life would be like if she were brought up in a ‘normal’ family. I wonder if she laid in bed at night and wondered what she could have been if life hadn’t hit her so hard.
As a young woman she won a beauty contest and the prize was getting to be one of the kings wives. She wasn’t like the other women there. She wasn’t like anyone around her at all. She was put in a position she didn’t understand and never imagined being in. She wasn’t allowed to talk about her history because it would show her blemishes. She had to feel the distance between who she was and who everybody else was around her. Almost like an impostor.
People liked her, but she knew it was because they didn’t know who she really was. She was fine as long as they never found out.
Like Esther, sometimes God will place you in an odd position. It’s easy to feel the pressure of being different and it’s normal to wonder if you should try to find a way back to your comfort zone. Being different is lonely at times. It’s hard to imagine being of use when you’re not in your element.
But, think about the genius in this: There is a psychological edge when you are out of your element. It makes you more reliant on divine intervention. There is a relational edge to being out of your element. It keeps you at enough of a distance to where the voices of the people around are not in competition with God’s. There is a purposeful edge to being out of your element. When the time comes for you to go against the grain, it’s easier because you’re already used to what that feels like.
Esther, in order to save her own life and the lives of many others, was called to use the parts of her that deemed her ‘blemished’. It was what made her different that made her able to fulfill a calling that was much bigger than her.
God knew what He was doing with Esther and she made it easier by not trying to stay in her comfort zone. She didn’t know why these things were happening with her, but when the call finally came, she was in the perfect position. He had been positioning her the whole time. He had been training her and preparing her with the tools of her everyday struggles and spaces. It’s genius and it’s easy for us to see it so far after the fact. It’s much harder to see it when you’re in the middle of it.
It’s okay to be yourself. It’s okay to be different. It’s okay to stay quiet until your call comes. We each have our own unique canvas. Some day, the parts of yourself that you would wish away will be the exact thing that is used for your life’s biggest calling.