nine and a half years

Posted: October 25th, 2014 | Filed under: life | Tags: , , , | 18 Comments »

It’s been nine and a half years of healing. I don’t feel like garbage anymore.

It’s funny how feeling like garbage can give you more of a purpose than feeling invisible, or worse… ordinary.

I’m afraid of becoming cynical. I’m afraid I’ve become cynical.

I’m rainbows and butterflies. How could I become cynical?

Insight into the Mysteries has made me more disapproving than approving. Disapproving of Christians because I expect them to be just like The Others. Disapproving because I notice how irresponsible some can be with their bodies, their positions, and their beliefs. They clog themselves with sugared cheese, exploit the outcasts they’re supposed to be helping, and refuse to use their own brains and think for themselves. They destroy the earth with consumerism. They close off their social groups and become the equivalent of high school cliques. They jump on every feed trend, feast on fear, and cower when they should speak up. When I do find Christians who are well thought and have a voice loud enough to hear, I see them pelted with blasphemy from those who call themselves Christians.’

Yeah, I’ve become negative and cynical. I might also be a hypocrite.

I sugar my Velveeta when I feel like it, figuratively speaking. I turn smug around the less learned. I see negativity. I sing harmony with grace while refusing it to those who don’t know what it is. But seriously, Christians, how can you not know what grace is?

I’m real, though.

I don’t know if the Body is sick or I’m the sick one. It’s probably both.

I have a hard time thinking that I can be satisfied with the blase´. I think going to church is boring. It would be different, maybe, if I wasn’t an introvert with a wildly active brain. But, I am and church feels like psychological coddling instead of spiritual awakening.

The more I know, the more I know I don’t know. The reciprocal relationship where the mass of knowledge reveals the mass of unmet knowledge is a blissful trap of learning. A black hole of dark matter that infuriates and excites the researcher who can discern what he can’t see and know of the existence of what cannot be fully known.

I don’t know if I want to reenter the machine just in case I’m missing something, or if I should let my free spirit ride free. Untethered is my home.  I miss the idea of joining with “like-minded” individuals, but I don’t think I’ve ever had that. I daydream about starting a bible study just so we can talk about the mysteries of sovereignty and grace, but I don’t even know where to start or who would come.

I like that I’ve let the audience dwindle. I can speak as loud as I want, ….want…..want.

I don’t know if I’ll go back to church. I don’t know. It almost feels like going backward.

I need some source of conversation, though…. though…. though.



encouragement for the crushed

Posted: October 6th, 2014 | Filed under: life | Tags: | Comments Off

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. - Isaiah 26:3 ESV 

Fruit from the vine pressed under Your feet. I would rather be crushed under Your feet than rotting flesh in Your burn pile.

Is want just as much a mirage as plenty? I can’t tell if it’s stress or cause for panic. I’m like a loyal dog. I just need a hint of Your scent. …you keep in him perfect peace…. A reminder.

Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock. – Isaiah 26:4 ESV

I watch squirrels dodge traffic to get nuts. Encouragement by the provision is clouded out by the stress of acquisition.

Aren’t proud cities trampled under the feet of the poor (Isaiah 26:6)? I swing between the two so often that I don’t know if I’m being trampled or trampling.

“…in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.” - Isaiah 30:15 ESV

“…whose mind is stayed on you…” A reminder of a mental direction. I’ll keep looking over the glass surface of the sea.

And then You answer….

The Lord said to Moses, “Why do you cry to me? Tell the people of Israel to go forward. Lift up your staff, and stretch out your hand over the sea and divide it, that the people of Israel may go through the sea on dry ground. - Exodus 14:15-16 ESV

“Why do you cry to me? Go forward.” 


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Posted: September 22nd, 2014 | Filed under: life | Tags: , , , , | 2 Comments »

The quiet gets masked in fatigue so nobody will ask. Dull pain deep enough to sleep until the distractions can overtake the memories and the questions and swallow them into routine. Helplessness can make a gentle man angry, so the gentle man sleeps.

And I wonder.

God is not bound by time. He forgives from the outside of our beginning and beyond our end. Time heals human wounds unless you pay homage to the sins that caused your hurt. You mark the yearly landmarks like a sin historian whose only sense of worth is through the failures of others. Vowing to never forget only serves to justify your long standing vengeance.

What if you don’t know how to change the course?

The sins of some people are conspicuous, going before them to judgment… - 1 Timothy 5:24 ESV

His sin was obvious. It walked itself into the light. While he stood exposed, his sins marched ahead of him and laid down at the cross. Like venom to venom, a scour to a wound, pain was the antidote. God knew the way to his heart. Gutted by his own sin, this man gladly gave away his rights to your failure so that he could be free from his own.

Are you are afraid of losing something?

…but the sins of others appear later. - 1 Timothy 5:24 ESV

Like a child hiding from his father, you poke sticks at the carcass just to see how the dead moves. You bear witness to his sin, turning the poured out Gospel into a lie. They are so deep that digging out would rearrange the life you built on top of them.

What is a life built on lies? Switch the names. Tell the story that makes you a redeemer. They don’t ask and you don’t tell.

Do you feel like it’s too late?

So also good works are conspicuous, and even those that are not cannot remain hidden. - 1 Timothy 3:25 ESV

Does it make you limp?
Isn’t it tiring to hide all the time?
What do you do with the fear?

You keep telling yourself that the monster chasing you is him. But, he’s not chasing you.

Don’t be afraid.

Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. - Luke 12:3 ESV

The truth-bomb is still ticking, but you’ve become accustomed to the sound.

One day, every tongue will confess that He is God. Your justifications are a wagging tongue of self. You hide behind his mistakes and justify yourself by blaming him. His sin was blotted from the books when the blood spilled. Are you the book keeper?

Put down your towel. This blood won’t wipe off.

Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out. – Proverbs 10:9 ESV

Does your word mean nothing? You’ve built a house of cards, but he steadies his breath because she lives in that house. I already told you. He’s not your monster.

So, Who is chasing you?

He’s your Shepherd.

Stop running.

Therefore whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops. - Luke 12:4 ESV

His quiet gets masked in fatigue so he can sleep it away. He lays under undisturbed blankets while the King breathes peace over him. He waits for the housetop proclamations and the mountains bow to the One who watches him sleep.

Love her extra for him today, will You? It’s her birthday.

Happy Birthday, Parker Rain.


letting you in

Posted: September 16th, 2014 | Filed under: life | Tags: , | Comments Off

Since God has so generously let us in on what he is doing, we’re not about to throw up our hands and walk off the job just because we run into occasional hard times. - 2 Corinthians 4:1 MSG

The thing God “let us in on” is in spreading the message of the “new covenant”. The new covenant is Jesus. It’s grace that covers every sin and the absolute futility of a relationship with God through following a set of rules. There is no grace for those who justify themselves with the law.

our sufficiency is from God,  who has made us sufficient to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit. For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. - 2 Corinthians 3:6 ESV

We are given that revelation through our own “coming to Jesus” moment. He sets us free and we automatically become witnesses to how thorough and authoritative His forgiveness is. It’s impossible to know Him as our Savior without knowing ourselves as “sinner”. Once you’ve been rescued from yourself, you don’t want yourself anymore. Pride, the core of rebellion, is gone. It’s not a flippant thing and it requires absolute honesty as you let your own shame surface to face the Light.

We refuse to wear masks and play games. We don’t maneuver and manipulate behind the scenes. - 2 Corinthians 4:2 MSG

This isn’t a game. I don’t understand how people can just add religion to their schedule and not be completely overtaken by the mysteries and riddles. Those who have experienced the transformation don’t condemn others or doubt God’s immediate grace for the fallen.

You can’t just take the scriptures and make them mean whatever you want them to mean. Everything has to be balanced against the Gospel. If it doesn’t balance, or if it’s just someone’s life philosophy, then you have to consider their intellect. But, with the Gospel, even the simplest mind can get the profundity.

And we don’t twist God’s Word to suit ourselves. Rather, we keep everything we do and say out in the open, the whole truth on display, so that those who want to can see and judge for themselves in the presence of God. - 2 Corinthians 4:2 MSG

in on it

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dead works

Posted: September 15th, 2014 | Filed under: life | Tags: , | Comments Off

Therefore let us leave the elementary doctrine of Christ and go on to maturity, not laying again a foundation of repentance from dead works and of faith toward God… - Hebrews 6:1 ESV

People can spend their entire lives learning doctrine and altering their behavior to reflect their beliefs. It’s the societal separation that knots their identity. It’s self-denial to the point of pointless non-statements. The blandness of it all leads to giddy pride in the obscure sub-cultures. Deeper and deeper into the weird creases of homemade religion, you can find people who get off on how bland they can be. Cold polenta and crooked teeth. Thick toenails and rubbery oats.

Plant one in the vanilla bucket of out-dated pop-culture and she’ll slip up and start shaving her legs or covering up her pimples. She always knew who she was when she was the most plain. But, now she’s just regular and has to deal with her spot in society. Maybe she’s not all that pretty, so if she could say she didn’t try, then she’d have an excuse. Without her religious expression of self-denial, she has no excuse. She strikes out at the “sinners” who wear perfume, who squeeze into designer jeans, and color coordinate their underwear. She does this in the name of being holy. She says she’s drawing closer to God so that He’ll perfect her walk. Her goal is to be like Jesus.

People can spend their entire lives learning doctrine and altering their behavior to reflect their “blessings”. It’s the societal separation that flaunts their identity. Embarrassing extravagance only serves to make those who have less to feel less than. The loudness of it all leads to giddy pride in the not-so obscure sub-cultures. Flying on the flagpoles of photoshopped religion you can find people who get off on how rich they, and apparently you, too, can be.

The divisions of expression float by on the parade of life. They do their best to dress the part that makes their version of Jesus more pure or more successful. But this is all washing and dressing. It’s the finger-painting doctrine. Meanwhile there is a world of people out there who need them to get over themselves. Maybe Plain Jane and Fancy Nancy don’t mean any harm, but their lack of maturity is poking holes in the boat and maybe we’re not all ready for water-walking yet.

“Dead works” are works of the flesh while the Spirit remains caged. Trying to get the “self” in line is evidence that you’re still “married” to the law. That’s why grace feels like you’re cheating. It’s because you are. Until you recognize that the death of Jesus was actually you dying to the law, freeing you from the “marriage”, you’ll be a spiritual adulterer. You’ll be serving two masters. You were set free for a resurrection “marriage”. You’ll be able to progress beyond the elementary doctrine and start living the Love we claim to know.

Likewise, my brothers, you also have died to the law through the body of Christ, so that you may belong to another, to him who has been raised from the dead, in order that we may bear fruit for God. For while we were living in the flesh, our sinful passions, aroused by the law, were at work in our members to bear fruit for death. But now we are released from the law, having died to that which held us captive, so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit and not in the old way of the written code. - Romans 7:4-6 ESV

dead works


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